chemaccino good, but not good for you

Monday, October 20, 2003
goddam motherfucker.
I get home from a week in the woods with overprivileged 8th graders to listen to a message on my voice mail from Office Pimp informing me that they never received my time sheet for my last week at that last assignment.
I knew that dumbass bossman would never get around to faxing it in. I told him I'd take care of it for him, but oh, no, he wanted to do it himself.

Friday, October 10, 2003
Time off for good behavior
I'm going to be away for a week, and therefore not posting for at least a week. Oh, I'll be working, except in the woods, not in an office.

The other day, I realized that chemaccino now has about six months' worth of posts.
Below, for your amusement, are some of my less regrettable posts.
Like summer re-runs. New to you?

The Biotech Company
What Would the Godfather Do? one HR lady to rule them all
Mentwhoring: one and two
Redemption through Drama a psycho client keeps calling the office

The Internet Start-up
Urban Jungle Fauna the carpet also has large, unsightly stains
The Lightbulb Saga: from start to finish
Urge To Kill Rising the first of several posts about the lazy employees

I am the Ninja Queen of Complicated Copying Tasks 'nuff said.
The street where I work a poem about mail drop boxes
There's one in every office a catalogue of the office types you don't see on the sitcoms

Thursday, October 09, 2003
Dumbass New Hire vs Paperwork
Part II: I-9

Um, Steve, we can't accept your Driver's License at the only document here. See, there's a list on the back of the sheet that tells you what you can use for each column. If you want to use your license, that's okay, but -see how that's in List B? That means you'll need to have something from List C as well. Yeah, there are all these directions written out. You can use them to figure out what documents you can use.

Okay, just so you know, this space where it says "Maiden Name", that's for your name from before you got married, if it was different. Yeah, so, whatever you wrote in there, that probably doesn't apply.

Am I wrong to be amazed and appalled? I know these forms are tricky, but they do tend to explain themselves well, and I don't care if you were born in 1981, you probably have filled out one of these before.

omigod, omigod, omigod.
I went into his office to drop off some paperwork, and this book was sitting on his desk. I'm hoping it was a joke gift. How awful.

According to ...this men's manual to life in the 21st century offers more than 500 rules that make for lighthearted reading and manly musings.

Commuting Sentences
So, I'm driving to work this morning, and I'm stopped at a red light, which just turned red, and I know I'm there for a while. I glance in the rearview mirror to spy on the people in the car behind me because hey, sometimes it's interesting what people do in their car when they think nobody's looking.

The car behind me is a kind of a bright blue, but I can't tell what type or car it is. Smallish. There are two dudes in it, specifically, two youngish, slim, caucasian, overprivileged/underpaid-ski-dudes, if you get my drift.

The one not driving is smoking.
A joint.

Oh, I'm sorry, yes, it could be that he rolled his own tobacco cigarette and just really likes to pinch his tobacco cigarette near the base, take a big toke, hold that tobacco smoke in while squinting, then exhale his tobacco secondhand smoke. I suppose it could be so.
Let's just assume that when I say "joint", in all fairness, it could be anything rolled in those papers.

So I think to myself, well, I guess that's not so cool, but at least it's not the driver smoking.

Then he passes the joint to the driver.
Pinch. Squint. Inhale. Hold. Exhale.
Light turns green, I stay straight (pardon pun), they turn right. Lucky me.
Let's hope they were almost to their destination, shall we?

P.S. While the driver was toking up, the passenger totally picked his nose. Ha, ha! You are so busted, dude!

Let the wild rumpus begin
Just got a phone call from bossman.
He only just this morning realized he's working from home today, so if I could leave my timesheet on his desk for him, that'd be great, thanks. And be sure to finish whatever projects you're working on. And create documentation outlining how to do all the ongoing stuff you've been doing, along with the filepath to the notes so they can be updated in the future.
And, uh, thanks for helping us out the past few months.

We are not amused.

From: God
Sent: Thursday, October 09, 2003 10:33 AM
To: The Adminwhore
Subject: RE: Dumbass Smiting

Dearest Adminwhore,
Thank you for your request. It will be processed in the order it was received.
Best Wishes,

-----Original Message-----
From: The Adminwhore
Sent: Thursday, October 09, 2003 10:25 AM
To: God
Subject: Dumbass Smiting

Dear God,
The new hire is a dumbass. Please smite him.
Yours Truly,
The Adminwhore

Honestly. Seriously. I have no idea why there is still material for this blog.
People just keep finding new ways to shock and annoy.
That said, today is my last day at this particular assignment. As such, I expect to encounter much in the way of bloggable happenstance. I already have two in my brain. God, this new hire is a dumbass.

Dear God,
The new hire is a dumbass. Please smite him.
Yours Truly,
The Adminwhore

Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Dumbass New Hire vs Paperwork
Part I: Medical Insurance Enrollment

Open Letter To Dumbass
To the new hire who used a felt-tip pen on his enrollment form:

IF you have to fill out a medical insurance enrollment form
AND that form seems to have one page that presses through onto attached yellow and pink sheets,
THEN it is expected that those sheets will get filled out as well
AND it is expected that one would use a ballpoint pen or other pressure-related writing implement to acheive this goal
OR that one might flip to the back sheet to ensure that all sheets were filled out.

In the future, please follow the above directions.
If I ever have to re-write your form information again, I'm selling it all to phone companies and direct marketers.

The Adminwhore

If I have to be told to "never lick envelopes again" by the goddam Pitney-Bowes holding loop, I swear to God I will kill a human being.

I have been on hold for so long, that I have already put it on "Handsfree" so the loop comes out the speaker so I can do other things. I'm trying to tune it out as I do stuff, but they keep issuing this mandate not to lick, and I can't help tuning back into it.

Bathroom Break
Remember when I said that everyone has to walk by my desk and out the office door to go to the bathroom? Well, I just made a trip myself, and upon my return, I could not open the door to the office. It was locked. I just spent 10 minutes hanging out in the building hallway. But it was productive; while I was locked out, I signed for a package. I finally got back in when I heard someone on the inside of the office whistling, and I pulled on the door to make a pounding sound.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003
There She Goes... There She Goes Again
A Thousand Petty Gripes

Could you get some yellow highlighters?

-----Original Message-----
From: [adminho]
Sent: Tuesday, October 07, 2003 11:09 AM
To: office
Subject: Office Supply Order

I will be placing an order for office supplies with Staples this afternoon; please let me know if there is anything you would like added to the order.
Please remember to check for items in the office supply room - we might already have what you want to order!
If you do want something more ordered, please be as specific as you can, otherwise I will have to guess at what you want. has a great search function, but for most items, it is enough to give me a description and dimensions.


The beauty of this reply from the same woman as last month, is the addition of the line about checking the supply room, which came about from the email exchange posted earlier today (below). Of course, it's only funny if you know about the BOX OF YELLOW HIGHLIGHTERS IN THE SUPPLY ROOM.
As soon as I received her email, I went into the supply room, grabbed five of the highlighters, and politely delivered them to her in her office. I told her with a smile that there are plenty more in the supply room, should she need them.

Sometimes it's just easier to be the magical office supply fairy.

While I Was Out
Important issue addressed in my absence

From: [bossman]
Sent: Friday, October 03, 2003 12:09 PM
To: [Sr. Project Manager]; [adminho]
Cc: Office <--- [please note: this means EVERYONE]
Subject: RE: Looks like we need printer/xerox paper 8.5x11" ASAP

Actually - paper is in the supply closet….back room

-----Original Message-----
From: [Sr. Project Manager]
Sent: Friday, October 03, 2003 10:49 AM
To: [adminho]
Cc: Office<--- [again:EVERYONE]
Subject: Looks like we need printer/xerox paper 8.5x11" ASAP

Please order some.

How is it that
(1) this blog would come up in a search engine query of
interpretation of the matrix reloaded
(2) someone would visit this blog as a result?
If people come here looking for movie commentary, they will be disappointed.

Monday, October 06, 2003
So today I'm only in for a few hours to help out with an invoice mailing. I didn't want to be in at all - I'm scheduled for Tuesday thru Thursday. But hey, I'm flexible.
Anyway, so I get here and I can't log into Windows on my computer; something's happened with my password. And bossman isn't around to tell me what to do. So I get the ball rolling on the whole using-the-computer thing, and sit at my desk sipping water.
Then it hits me. It's the perfect time to put up the decorations.
What's funny about putting up cotton cobwebs of the cube walls is that it looks messy and ghetto. I put some on the fish tank, too, which cracks me up for some reason. But I gotta say, that spangly garland shit is irredeemable. It's so... ugh. Tacky.

It's like a law.
The days you spend much time and effort buying breakfast or packing a lunch are the days when there's free food in the office.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003
The Horror..... the horror.....

From: [bossman]
Sent: Wednesday, October 1, 2003 8:08 AM
To: [adminho]
Subject: office decorations
Could you start on the Halloween decorations? we have a box of stuff in the supply room if you could take a look would be good to add some life to the surroundings...

I am just so not about holiday decorations around the office. You want to have a Costume Friday, I think that's fun, but I wince at these plastic pumpkins and cotton cobwebs. Oh, and the spangly bat garlands, they're tasteful. If you get my drift.
It is tasks like these that remind me I am a whore to other people's tastes and whims.