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Friday, October 10, 2003
Time off for good behavior I'm going to be away for a week, and therefore not posting for at least a week. Oh, I'll be working, except in the woods, not in an office. The other day, I realized that chemaccino now has about six months' worth of posts. Below, for your amusement, are some of my less regrettable posts. Like summer re-runs. New to you? The Biotech Company What Would the Godfather Do? one HR lady to rule them all Mentwhoring: one and two Redemption through Drama a psycho client keeps calling the office The Internet Start-up Urban Jungle Fauna the carpet also has large, unsightly stains The Lightbulb Saga: from start to finish Urge To Kill Rising the first of several posts about the lazy employees Non-Company-Specific I am the Ninja Queen of Complicated Copying Tasks 'nuff said. The street where I work a poem about mail drop boxes There's one in every office a catalogue of the office types you don't see on the sitcoms Thursday, October 09, 2003
Dumbass New Hire vs Paperwork Part II: I-9 Um, Steve, we can't accept your Driver's License at the only document here. See, there's a list on the back of the sheet that tells you what you can use for each column. If you want to use your license, that's okay, but -see how that's in List B? That means you'll need to have something from List C as well. Yeah, there are all these directions written out. You can use them to figure out what documents you can use. Okay, just so you know, this space where it says "Maiden Name", that's for your name from before you got married, if it was different. Yeah, so, whatever you wrote in there, that probably doesn't apply. Am I wrong to be amazed and appalled? I know these forms are tricky, but they do tend to explain themselves well, and I don't care if you were born in 1981, you probably have filled out one of these before. omigod, omigod, omigod. I went into his office to drop off some paperwork, and this book was sitting on his desk. I'm hoping it was a joke gift. How awful. According to amazon.com: ...this men's manual to life in the 21st century offers more than 500 rules that make for lighthearted reading and manly musings. Commuting Sentences So, I'm driving to work this morning, and I'm stopped at a red light, which just turned red, and I know I'm there for a while. I glance in the rearview mirror to spy on the people in the car behind me because hey, sometimes it's interesting what people do in their car when they think nobody's looking. The car behind me is a kind of a bright blue, but I can't tell what type or car it is. Smallish. There are two dudes in it, specifically, two youngish, slim, caucasian, overprivileged/underpaid-ski-dudes, if you get my drift. The one not driving is smoking. A joint. Oh, I'm sorry, yes, it could be that he rolled his own tobacco cigarette and just really likes to pinch his tobacco cigarette near the base, take a big toke, hold that tobacco smoke in while squinting, then exhale his tobacco secondhand smoke. I suppose it could be so. Let's just assume that when I say "joint", in all fairness, it could be anything rolled in those papers. So I think to myself, well, I guess that's not so cool, but at least it's not the driver smoking. Then he passes the joint to the driver. Pinch. Squint. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Shit. Light turns green, I stay straight (pardon pun), they turn right. Lucky me. Let's hope they were almost to their destination, shall we? P.S. While the driver was toking up, the passenger totally picked his nose. Ha, ha! You are so busted, dude! Let the wild rumpus begin Just got a phone call from bossman. He only just this morning realized he's working from home today, so if I could leave my timesheet on his desk for him, that'd be great, thanks. And be sure to finish whatever projects you're working on. And create documentation outlining how to do all the ongoing stuff you've been doing, along with the filepath to the notes so they can be updated in the future. And, uh, thanks for helping us out the past few months. We are not amused. From: God Sent: Thursday, October 09, 2003 10:33 AM To: The Adminwhore Subject: RE: Dumbass Smiting Dearest Adminwhore, Thank you for your request. It will be processed in the order it was received. Best Wishes, God -----Original Message----- From: The Adminwhore Sent: Thursday, October 09, 2003 10:25 AM To: God Subject: Dumbass Smiting Dear God, The new hire is a dumbass. Please smite him. Yours Truly, The Adminwhore Honestly. Seriously. I have no idea why there is still material for this blog. People just keep finding new ways to shock and annoy. That said, today is my last day at this particular assignment. As such, I expect to encounter much in the way of bloggable happenstance. I already have two in my brain. God, this new hire is a dumbass. Dear God, The new hire is a dumbass. Please smite him. Yours Truly, The Adminwhore Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Dumbass New Hire vs Paperwork Part I: Medical Insurance Enrollment Open Letter To Dumbass To the new hire who used a felt-tip pen on his enrollment form: IF you have to fill out a medical insurance enrollment form AND that form seems to have one page that presses through onto attached yellow and pink sheets, THEN it is expected that those sheets will get filled out as well AND it is expected that one would use a ballpoint pen or other pressure-related writing implement to acheive this goal OR that one might flip to the back sheet to ensure that all sheets were filled out. In the future, please follow the above directions. If I ever have to re-write your form information again, I'm selling it all to phone companies and direct marketers. Sincerely, The Adminwhore If I have to be told to "never lick envelopes again" by the goddam Pitney-Bowes holding loop, I swear to God I will kill a human being. I have been on hold for so long, that I have already put it on "Handsfree" so the loop comes out the speaker so I can do other things. I'm trying to tune it out as I do stuff, but they keep issuing this mandate not to lick, and I can't help tuning back into it. Bathroom Break Remember when I said that everyone has to walk by my desk and out the office door to go to the bathroom? Well, I just made a trip myself, and upon my return, I could not open the door to the office. It was locked. I just spent 10 minutes hanging out in the building hallway. But it was productive; while I was locked out, I signed for a package. I finally got back in when I heard someone on the inside of the office whistling, and I pulled on the door to make a pounding sound. Tuesday, October 07, 2003
There She Goes... There She Goes Again A Thousand Petty Gripes ------------------------------------------ Could you get some yellow highlighters? -----Original Message----- From: [adminho] Sent: Tuesday, October 07, 2003 11:09 AM To: office Subject: Office Supply Order Hello! I will be placing an order for office supplies with Staples this afternoon; please let me know if there is anything you would like added to the order. Please remember to check for items in the office supply room - we might already have what you want to order! If you do want something more ordered, please be as specific as you can, otherwise I will have to guess at what you want. www.staples.com has a great search function, but for most items, it is enough to give me a description and dimensions. Thanks! ------------------------------------------ The beauty of this reply from the same woman as last month, is the addition of the line about checking the supply room, which came about from the email exchange posted earlier today (below). Of course, it's only funny if you know about the BOX OF YELLOW HIGHLIGHTERS IN THE SUPPLY ROOM. As soon as I received her email, I went into the supply room, grabbed five of the highlighters, and politely delivered them to her in her office. I told her with a smile that there are plenty more in the supply room, should she need them. Sometimes it's just easier to be the magical office supply fairy. While I Was Out Important issue addressed in my absence From: [bossman] Sent: Friday, October 03, 2003 12:09 PM To: [Sr. Project Manager]; [adminho] Cc: Office <--- [please note: this means EVERYONE] Subject: RE: Looks like we need printer/xerox paper 8.5x11" ASAP Actually - paper is in the supply closet….back room -----Original Message----- From: [Sr. Project Manager] Sent: Friday, October 03, 2003 10:49 AM To: [adminho] Cc: Office<--- [again:EVERYONE] Subject: Looks like we need printer/xerox paper 8.5x11" ASAP Please order some. How is it that (1) this blog would come up in a search engine query of interpretation of the matrix reloaded and (2) someone would visit this blog as a result? If people come here looking for movie commentary, they will be disappointed. Monday, October 06, 2003
So today I'm only in for a few hours to help out with an invoice mailing. I didn't want to be in at all - I'm scheduled for Tuesday thru Thursday. But hey, I'm flexible. Anyway, so I get here and I can't log into Windows on my computer; something's happened with my password. And bossman isn't around to tell me what to do. So I get the ball rolling on the whole using-the-computer thing, and sit at my desk sipping water. Then it hits me. It's the perfect time to put up the decorations. Damn. What's funny about putting up cotton cobwebs of the cube walls is that it looks messy and ghetto. I put some on the fish tank, too, which cracks me up for some reason. But I gotta say, that spangly garland shit is irredeemable. It's so... ugh. Tacky. It's like a law. The days you spend much time and effort buying breakfast or packing a lunch are the days when there's free food in the office. Wednesday, October 01, 2003
The Horror..... the horror..... From: [bossman] Sent: Wednesday, October 1, 2003 8:08 AM To: [adminho] Subject: office decorations Could you start on the Halloween decorations? we have a box of stuff in the supply room if you could take a look ...it would be good to add some life to the surroundings... I am just so not about holiday decorations around the office. You want to have a Costume Friday, I think that's fun, but I wince at these plastic pumpkins and cotton cobwebs. Oh, and the spangly bat garlands, they're tasteful. If you get my drift. It is tasks like these that remind me I am a whore to other people's tastes and whims. Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Delivery of a dozen roses! Who could they be for?? Oh. For the preggers lady who thinks I'm a moron. They're from her husband. It's their anniversary. Fortunate people irritate me. UPDATE: (9pm-ish) I just want to clarify that I have nothing against people getting flowers in the office, it's just that I wish they had been for this other woman there. She's not married and doesn't have kids, her cubicle is tiny and in the worst location in the office, and she's nice to me and I would have been happier if the flowers had been for her. I felt bad walking by her cube with them... luckily, her back was turned. The copier is broken. The copier was obtained free-of-charge from the previous tenant. Free copier with no service plan. The copier is broken. The copier will stay broken because it has no service plan. Long live the new table. How many temps does it take.... When I came in this morning, there were two bags of lightbulbs on the desk and an email from the bossman explaining that he was tired of waiting for building management, and could I install the lightbulbs he had bought? In order to install the lightbulbs, I have to stand on someting to reach them, and the obvious thing to stand on is a chair. The funny part of this is that all the chairs here have wheels and swivel-bases. The wheels make little-to-no difference on the thick industrial carpet, but the swivel is something else. Let's just say it's more challenging to screw in a lightbulb when you start spinning with it. And standing up on the chair without the swivel throwing me off was a whole other trick involving some yoga moves. I have to say, though, it was worth it to have some decent light around here. It makes a difference. Monday, September 29, 2003
Oh, Brother. Spare me. Once I had some scissors -- they cut well... They at least made the graaade... Once I had some scissors -- ...what the hell? Brother, please return my blade. You in khaki pants -- gee, you look swell Smug 'cause you're full-time and well paaaid.... But, despite all that, you're going to Hell Unless you soon return my blade. (Apologies to E.Y. Harburg and Jay Gorney.) It's all in the open now And I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad. So, the temp company told me that you have to leave us soon. You know, you could have told me. No, I couldn't have; they told me that they are supposed to tell you, and that I shouldn't. I've thought about this whole witholding-of-my-imminent-departure, and I think it's most likely a ploy to keep this client company from having the ahead-of-time knowledge to hire someone permanent at a convenient juncture. It would be convenient for them to try to hire someone on their own when they know I'm leaving soon; that feels natural. But then when there's the immediacy of a two week window, they become grateful to the temp company for being able to find a replacement so quickly. And, of course, once that person is installed, the client will be lulled into not thinking about hiring someone for a while. Deliciously diabolical. Still, the lightbulbs have not been replaced. Unbelievable. They still have the sticky notes I put on them as markers, and AND, there are more that have gone out. Friday, September 26, 2003
I am underestimated in the workplace. (Part II) Everyone has to walk by my desk to leave the office for any reason, including the bathroom. Today, for the second time this month, this one lady here mentioned on her way out the door, "You must think I'm so crazy, going to the bathroom all the time." No, lady, I think you are pregnant. I base this conclusion on mounting evidence which includes (a) your maternity clothes and (b) the maternity leave paperwork I'm preparing for you. I swear, I think this woman thinks I'm mildly retarded. Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Finally, some more coffee talk! What these people do to Starbucks coffee is a crime for which they are punishing themselves. Thus far, I have held off on doing anything about it, for the following reasons: 1. If I start making the coffee, it will be expected that I always make the coffee. 2. I bring in my own coffee every morning, thereby avoiding the need to drink their ungodly swill-brew. 3. They grind their own beans, and I know from experience that I am no good at grinding beans. See, that third point has to do with knowing one's own limitations, and adjusting accordingly. (By buying pre-ground coffee.) I think these people do not realize that they're screwing up their coffee with their grinding endeavors. Instead, they think they are all hip and cool for grinding it themselves. If it is hip and cool to drink strung-out ashtray-flavored coffee, then call me square. But I'm only here for a total of five more days, and so maybe I will bless them with a good coffee experience. Tuesday, September 23, 2003
I am underestimated in the workplace. (Part I) Hey, [bossman], how can I get the lightbulbs in the Reception area changed? Oh, yeah, look at that, only one of them works. Yeah, I don't know why the other nine are all out. Say, could you leave a note for maintenance to fix that? They don't speak English very well... you don't happen to know Spanish, do you? Ha, ha. MAINTENANCE: COULD YOU PLEASE CHANGE THE LIGHTBULBS? THANK YOU VERY MUCH! POR FAVOR, PUEDEN CAMBIAR LAS LUCES? MUCHAS GRACIAS! shared/office/maint.doc I'm still trying to remember how to say it in Russian. ....did I mention how goddam dark it is around here? Oh, yes, I am going to Hell. But which level? Find out where you're going, using Dante's Inferno Test (found on Buttafly) My fate, it seems, is sealed. Level 8- the Malebolge -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many and varied sinners suffer eternally in the multi-leveled Malebolge, an ampitheatre-shapped pit of despair Wholly of stone and of an iron colour: Those guilty of fraudulence and malice; the seducers and pimps, who are whipped by horned demons; the hypocrites, who struggle to walk in lead-lined cloaks; the barraters, who are ducked in boiling pitch by demons known as the Malebranche. The simonists, wedged into stone holes, and whose feet are licked by flames, kick and writhe desperately. The magicians, diviners, fortune tellers, and panderers are all here, as are the thieves. Some wallow in human excrement. Serpents writhe and wrap around men, sometimes fusing into each other. Bodies are torn apart. When you arrive, you will want to put your hands over your ears because of the lamentations of the sinners here, who are afflicted with scabs like leprosy, and lay sick on the ground, furiously scratching their skin off with their nails. Indeed, justice divine doth smite them with its hammer. I think this has something to do with stealing office supplies. Monday, September 22, 2003
Fun With Liability The bossman here keeps asking me to run errands. He asked me to drop some stuff off two towns away "while I'm at lunch". First of all, I don't have the kind of mad cash wherein I can go buying lunch every day. I have a pita of hummus and taboule in my lunch bag for that. Second of all, it didn't sit right with me, running errands when I'm a temp. So I called my Office Pimp, to check in to see if it was okay. Of course, it is not okay, because of the driving issues of liability. Since Office Pimp is technically my employer, if something were to happen while I was driving, they would be the ones I would sue, not this place where I'm temping. So they can't have me out on the road for work. I called the bossman to tell him this, and he totally did the exasperated sigh thing. I can tell he's pissed about it, but tough shit. That's what you get when you choose to use temp workers instead of committing to an actual employee. Apparently, Friday was Talk Like A Pirate Day. Who made that happen? Apparently, Dave Barry and two raquetball players. Learn more here. I learned all this from a bunch of high schoolers I was working with on Saturday, and I asked them why it was Talk Like A Pirate day, because I really didn't know, and I was curious. They said, (and I am not making this up) that it's to celebrate the history of pirates. Who is the joke on, here? The students? The faculty? Oh, let me translate that for all the pirates in my readership: They said, (and I be not makin' this up) that it'st'celebrate t'historyo'pirates. Who be t'joke on, here? T'students? T'faculty? Friday, September 19, 2003
Word up? NO. Word down. WORD DOWN! Mayday! Mayday! Creating a form letter to all Customers from Quickbooks into Word keeps crashing Word. How stupid. Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Intergalactic Planetary Planetary Interactive I finally got in touch with my Office Pimp to tell her that I am moving to another state over Columbus Day weekend and therefore will no longer be able to do this temp assignment. Of course, I can't tell the people here. She can't tell the people here. Some guy in client relations will tell the people here. That's friendly. So basically, I have to sit around and wait until the bossman comes over and lets me know he knows. Here's the tricky part: I need to post a monthly calendar with my schedule on it - how do I do that without making it clear that I'm leaving halfway through October? No, really: it's not a rhetorical question. Leave your suggestions in the comment box for this post. Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Old people ignite my imagination So, last week when I had to go shopping for this company, I went to the local supermarket: Victory Supermarket. And let me tell you: at 2pm on a Thursday, I was the only customer in the store who does NOT remember our victory over the Germans. Surrounded as I was by these hunched, toothless representatives of the Greatest Generation, I..........well, actually, at the time, I was really irritated because they move really slowly and won't get out of my way. But later, later back at work, I started thinking about how these same people were once young and vibrant, like Christian Bale's character in Swing Kids. This morning, on my drive to work, I passed Victory again, and there were these two old men in the parking lot, and one of them was trying to get his leg over the steel barrier that separates the parking lot from the sidewalk, and the other guy was kind of reaching out, in case the first guy needed help. This made me reflect that that same guy who today had trouble getting his leg over that barrier would have easily, jauntily, jumped it 50 years ago. Then that made me reflect that maybe those two men were thinking the exact same thing about themselves, about how they could have jumped it in their youth. I should be so lucky to live as long as they have. I plan to celebrate it in 50 years by moving slowly down the middle of supermaket aisles. Monday, September 15, 2003
I've got chills, they're multiplyin' Last week when I restocked the fridge with soda, I discovered that the two bottom drawers in there don't get used. So I put Diet Coke in one of them and Sprite in the other. I then created labels that said "Diet Coke" and Sprite" and put the adhesive labels on the shelf just above each drawer. I also mentioned to people that the sodas were in the drawers at the little birthday celebration that afternoon for one of the employees. This afternoon, I open the fridge, and there are cans of Diet Coke standing all around the main shelf of the fridge. Why? Why? I checked the drawer and they were still there, and the label is still very readable. It's kind of freaky, all these cans standing around in there like multiplying viruses at a party. I bet whoever put them there is the same person who told me to buy coffee when there was a 2lb bag in the freezer. Job Stats At-A-Glance Responsibilities at current temping assignment include: -Office Manager (my 'official title') -A/R Manager -Receptionist -Shipping Clerk -Internal Events Planner Hours per week spent at this job: 18 Number more weeks bossman thinks I'll be here: infinite Number more weeks I'll actually be here: 4 |
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