chemaccino good, but not good for you

Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Just a quick note:
I just heard G.E. Smith, of The Saturday Night Live Band fame, talking on NPR about the Big Scandal where, apparently, Aashhlee Simpson lip-synched her performance. Anyway, so G.E. Smith said he doesn't think it's that big a deal. He also said he feels bad for her.

I have a feeling that gaining G.E. Smith's pity isn't going to make Asshllee feel any better.

Friday, October 22, 2004
Recent Search Queries people used to then visit this blog
in a twisted pantoum form:

staple-less staplers at pier one imports
flirty responses
k-cup bras
insects in cappuccino machines

flirty responses tack notes to a corkboard
insects in cappuccino machines tell the truth about shampoo commercials

tack notes to a corkboard, k-cup bras!
the truth about shampoo commercials: staple-less staplers at pier one imports

k-cup bras
insects in cappuccino machines
staple-less staplers at pier one imports
flirty responses

Trump's Suits oh, HELL no
spoilers ahoy! -- last week's comments -- official recap
As the opening credits rolled, I felt a sense of sadness and nostalgia when I saw the shot of Pamela, where she raises her eyebrow. I miss her still. And now, now what do I have to look forward to? My little girl has been thrown out, too. It was bound to happen; Stacy's just been pulled into the boardroom too many times. They were right that my li'l scrapper had a hard time selling her ideas. But now ...I dunno. I'm glad we got to see more of Sandy and Jennifer, but damn, how I hate Wes.

I don't know whether I can keep watching. What I do know is that I am too broken up to review this episode of dog-washing blandness. So instead, I'm going to write about the only thing that was able to comfort me afterward:

Oh, man, did you see this one? It was great; they started with Sinker & Floaters and ended with Log Drop. The teams were USA v. The World, and one thing I noticed was that non-Asians are really hesitant and lame at S&F; the usual contestants tend to run right across while these folk went really slowly. And why did all the USA folk look like complete stoners? Oooh, how funny was it when that guy fell BEFORE he started across the pond?! What a dumbass. And then he made it - unbelievable!

Also incredible was the guy who did the entire Log Drop on his belly - and made it! It was truly an amazing site. Usually, the moment someone drops to their belly, it's curtains for them. Or rather, it's The Fluid for them. But there's always room for surprise on MXC!

As for the Dash of Death, the guy who made it across? I mean, who wears only running shorts? That was some serious Winner's Boogie at the end, too. I think I saw this guy perform in The Donkey Show a few years back.

Well, until next time, Don't! Get! Eliminated!

*MXC is Most Extreme Elimination Challenge on SpikeTV ("the first channel for men")
The show is kind of like Double Dare for Japanese young adults; contestants compete in physical challenges that often result in the contestant falling in muddy water. It's dubbed over with two announcers, and it's full of sex jokes and poop jokes. It is truly some of the finest television ever created.

Thursday, October 21, 2004
I scored 100%! Wow!
You preferred Kerry's statements 100% of the time

Voting purely on the issues you should vote Kerry

Who would you vote for if you voted on the issues?

Find out now!

Goddammit, but he looks like a corpse in a skin suit.

Tyra's Bitches I'm a Roller Girl in a Roller World
spoilers ahoy! -- last week's comments -- official recap
I am so sad that Janice has turned on Toccara. I mean, it was bound to happen, but still, I am disappointed. Oooh, but did you notice Janice's elbows when she was showing off bathing suit poses? Because those are some old-lady elbows. It's true! I've discovered the only non-botoxed patches on Janice! Infinitely tragic is the fact that I noticed and am now broadcasting it. I am horrible. But she's worse, so nyah-nyah.

I am starting to really like Norelle. She's just so cute and cheery and she really does photograph well. Too bad her inability to walk in heels has made her completely ineligible. It's just a matter of time, honey.
And I still am a big fan of Nicole. She reminds me of Elyse from the first season "Cycle".

I am enjoying the story arc developing of Kelle's slow descent. She is definitely not going to win, and her increasing awareness of what a D-O-G she is (in the world of modelling only, of course) is really fun to watch. I mean, watching some snotty over-privileged spoiled brat talk about how she is discovering she has a snout? Priceless. Compelling television. Schadenfreude extraordinaire.

I am learning to like Eva. She's not the bitch she used to be. It's like some voo-doo shaman transferred her bitchiness out of her and into Amanda. I abhor Amanda. Amanda. You go now. Yuck.
Sadly, Amanda is so much better than so many of the other ladies left that she's going to be around for a while just by virtue of being not-as-bad-as-them. I expect that Kelle, Cassie, Ann and maybe even Toccara will be going before that heinous she-bitch is booted.
I'm hoping for a show-down between Eva, Nicole, Norelle and Yaya. I could hope for Toccara to make it to the final four, but I don't think that's realistic.
And as for Jennipher, whatever. She stunk. I don't have to cheer for Idahoans anymore, now that my sister has moved to Missoula.

I just wrote this really long post called "Catching Flies" about how Lisa seems to have the adage all wrong, and thinks that if she isn't catching flies with vinegar, she should try ...more vinegar.
It was a great post, complete with two examples of this behavior; one where she pours some vinegar on me (but not in the name of love) and one where she pours it on a court clerk over the phone. She clearly didn't take my paralegal course, where they teach us to Never Ever Be Less Than Sweetness-and-Light With Anyone At The Courthouse.
But the post was deleted! Session Expired! Curses!
So now this is all you get.

In other news, I'm so excited to get a full night's sleep. I've been staying up way too late this week. How could I not? I had to; it's All Too Exciting.

Saturday, October 16, 2004
Tyra's Bitches and Trump's Suits When Worlds Collide
spoilers ahoy!
Tyra: last week's comments -- official recap
Trump: last week's comments -- official recap

These shows reached new heights (lows?) of similarity this week as the models fought amongst themselves like female businesswomen, and the businessfolk took on the world of modeling. So I'm going to talk about them both at once. When referring to people, I'll try to label them either (mod) or (app) so you know which type of job they are trying to win. Otherwise, even those one or two readers who also watch both shows might get confused. Unless labeled otherwise, my comments go for both shows.

The Bitchiness Factor
I feel like there's a lot more catfighting going on this year than there was last year. Last year, it seems like the women didn't care so much about what they thought of one another. This year they seem more interested in being friends or not being friends. Maybe this year they are more worried about the competition from each other? Or perhaps this was a conscious casting decision, engineering the likelihood of personality conflict.

I'm still grieving the loss of Pamela (app). The women seemed so happy she was gone, but without her ever being on the women's team in the first place, they wouldn't have bonded into the cohesive team they became to win. Because hell, I'm not going to say that it was due to Maria's leadership.
The models are taking it upon themselves to gang up on one another in their own sweet suite. I suspect we haven't seen the last of Ann v. Jennipher. Jennipher was kind of a total bitch. Not that Eva's easy to get along with, but Jennipher shouldn't be picking fights.

Personality Disorders
I am amazed at Amanda's (mod) conniving entrapment endeavors. What is her problem? I mean besides going blind. She reminds me of that story of the a woman who gets a sliver of glass or ice or something in her eye, and she starts to be cruel, cold and heartless. It's like that horrible troll-doll hair of hers has made Amanda into a modern-day Ice Queen. Snow Queen. Whatever.
Raj.(app) Ugh. I get the sense that we're supposed to like him as a lovable bow-tie-wearing goofball, but oh how I despise His Annoyingness. I do NOT understand why John didn't bring Raj into the Boardroom. I understand that the biggest problem was pricing (what was WITH their pricing?), but Raj was such a constant hindrance and distraction to the team, the models, the designers, everyone, that John could have easily made a better case for his dismissal than for Andy's.

Postcards From The Edge Of The Runway:
Kevin- I was saddened when you answered the phone and we all saw how freakishly skinny your middle is. Please eat a donut and stop throwing up. We're on to you.
Cassie- Please stop throwing up. Even you're on to you.
Apex- "Capelets" will never be 'in'. Nice fabrics, though.
Norelle- You were just so cute, but I also thought it was really funny when you fell.
Elizabeth- Watch your back, girl. They're gunning for you now.
Yaya- I think you're playing this right; you seem to be keeping out of the biggest fights and also everybody votes for you on the internet polls.
Mosaic- "Capelets" will never be 'in'. Please put something ON before answering the phone.
Kelly- You've pretty much won the competition already. The rest of this is just Shakespearean tragedy as everyone else dies off one by one.
Maria- You should see someone about those seizures; I think they're getting worse.
Ann- High maintenance much?
Nicole- I was so disappointed in your support of Amanda's bad behavior. I thought you were cooler than that.

The Firing/s
John (app) was suprisingly lame. There was just no footage of him really leading. I'm very disappointed in him, and I have to say, he deserved to be fired. Maybe not for the pricing thing in specific, but for weak leadership in general. He was even weak in deciding who to take into the boardroom: he knew the combined efforts of Kevin and Wes would probably skewer him, but he should have known that Trump would be pissed if he didn't take in the two people in charge of the aspect that lost them the competition.
Kristi (mod) is just no good and I'm glad she's gone. Cassie, you're next.

Thursday, October 14, 2004
That Goddess Must Be Angry
I don't know what I did to p*ss off Xeroxa, goddess of office equipment, but within the space of 20 minutes, I got the message that something was amiss.

It all started when the attorney I support asked me to make a few copies, in the middle of the deposition she was holding in the conference room, and asked that I bring in the copies as soon as they were done. She said the machine had stopped working for her, but I figured it was a paper jam. It was a paper jam, which I fixed, but we had a few rounds, me and the machine, of jam-fix-work-rejam. fix-work-rejam. fix-work-rejam. Finally, Lisa came in to see what the hold-up was, and told me to duh, use the other copier.
There's another copier?
Turns out there is, but it's really slow, so nobody uses it. However, given the circumstances, Slow Copier was preferable to Continue To Struggle or Go To Kinko's.

So that was the FIRST assault by Lady Staples. The second came when I tried, for the third day, to fix my stapler, which has been jammed all week. One of the teeth of a staple had broken off and become lodged inside the part where it gets pushed down, and it was bad. So I tried to fix it, and when I opened the top, it actually opened (Good!) but opened up in a way I've never seen a stapler open. (Bad!) I used a letter opener to pry up the jammed part (good!) but then the metal part on top of the contraption, inside the protective shell, fell off. (Bad!)
Net Result: Broken Stapler.

Trying to redeem myself in the supply room, I tidied up a bit, putting away some items other people had left out. While puting some blue paper back on the stack, I sliced my finger on the sharp, sharp paper.
Net Result: Paper Cut.

I should be in the clear now; these things come in threes, you know. I think maybe Xeroxa was angry about how we have to throw out all our drafts or other un-filable paper because they don't have a shredder. Or maybe she's angry that I have to use a freaking TYPEWRITER to make file folder labels. Perhaps this is an attempt to spur me to action. Sadly, it only spurred me to using one of the supply room's supply of Band-Aids.

Monday, October 11, 2004
Trump's Suits The Price Isn't Right
blah blah NBC Recap Here blah blah Spoilers Ahead! blah blah previous comments
That makes it two episodes now where the women lost but almost won. I'm getting pretty sick of their shit; I'm starting to be glad they're getting steadily picked off. The only thing I'm not glad about is how smug the men are about it; they should be humble, winning by such small margins. Every week it true competition, it's just that the women keep messing up.

There's really no such thing as a tie.
This episode, the women lost by only $10. George was right; it's still losing. And again, it was so stupid. I mean, $27.23? What the hell kind of a price is that? I'll tell you what kind: the wrong kind. ANYTHING would have been better, and everyone knows it: in the boardroom, some said the price was to low, some said too high. In any event, the price was wrong. If they had gone lower, say, $26.99, they might have sold a few more units. It they had gone higher, maybe $27.27, they wouldn't have lost any customers for the extra four cents, and it would have put them over the top. Anything else would have worked, if it had had SOME kind of reason. There's no reason for $27.23. It's as though Mark Burnett found the only twenty-somethings in the USA who never played Lemonade Stand on their elementary school's PET Commodore.

The More Trump Knows
Are they making the lessons shorter? I heard Trump come back on, but by the time I got from the kitchen to the tv, it was over. From how the rest of the episode transpired, I'm guessing the lesson was Don't fuck with little Stacy, because I think that's the single most important lesson these women need to learn. I did really like her there for a while, but now that she skewered my Pammy, I'm kind of scared of her. But only kind of: Pam did treat Stacy poorly. It seemed like Pam put Stacy on legal detail as busy work, and then belittled the work Stacy was doing after telling Stacy to do it.

Water Cooler Discussion
One of the women at my current temp job, Lisa (I'll call her Lisa because I keep thinking her name is Lisa even though it isn't), watches as well, and she likes to talk about the show, but she doesn't like to hear anything that is different than her own opinion. Look, Lisa, you can nitpick-edit the correspondence I type up for you all you want, but don't ask my opinion on the show and then respond with a No, you're wrong. Lisa has some umm... ...shortcomings of social grace. Now that I'm used to her, it's amusing. Anyway, she never liked Pamela, and she was glad to see her go. She was especially cheesed off with the scene where Pamela tried to get Stacy to give her a price recommendation; she thought Pamela was unnecesarily bullying Stacy. I think it was appropriate; Stacy's job was to come up with a price recommendation, and she was dodging making a suggestion. She should have just said she didn't have a recommendation, and left it at that. Lisa's theory on Stacy is that since Stacy's so short, she's become used to having to defend herself when people pick on her, and that's why Stacy is so effective in defending herself. Lisa likes Stacy, and I think some of that comes from Lisa being a third-year law student, and just generally rooting for the woman lawyers on the show. She's a big Jennifer M. fan, too. I'm less impressed with Jen M.; she's been lucky enough to fly under the radar so far, like Sandy has, but some of that is just the luck of the draw for not having to be project managers. She'll do well if she can do something really right before she does something really wrong.

Open Letters

Dear Elizabeth,
You know how loudly Ivana's voice comes through the walkie-talkies you're using? What makes you think it's a confidential whisper on her end? You have the delicacy of an elephant.

Dear Raj,
I agree with your philosophy that it can't hurt to ask a pretty girl out when you have the opportunity. However, you did an awkward, sloppy job of it, and we're all a little disappointed you didn't get a Wilson 3 to your Little Raj. Also, you are a very very poor tennis player.

Dear Chris,
I'm sorry I mistakenly gave props to John for your customer service pep talk from last week. Now that I know it was you, I like you a little better. But please don't talk any more. That accent; what is that? It's nails on a chalkboard to me.

The Firing
I thought Pamela's take-charge approach was spot-on what the group needed. Unfortunately, she did ultimately end up being the one to set the price, and she did a boneheaded job of it. I think she brought the right people into the boardroom with her, but I think that if she had done a better job at handling her interaction with Stacy regarding the pricing during the activity, she could have done a better job of setting up Stacy to take the fall for it when they lost. And Maria was a very disappointing stage presence. What is with the blinkity blink-blink? Is there something wrong with her contacts? Is she having petit mal seizures? It's nothing to get fired over, though. Yet.

Thursday, October 07, 2004
Tyra's Bitches Whoring Cover Girl Cosmetics Harder Than Ever
ahoy! spoilers ahead!
my comments about last week's show
The show's official website has TONS of extra footage of the girls. Just.... way too much. Of them talking and bitching and blah blah blah. But you should know, in case you're into that kind of thing.

GOOD: Eve and Jennipher being nervous about a dramatic hair change, but then embracing the new experience and trying to make their new 'do work to their advantage.
BAD: Ann crying over a 3" trim and some blonde streaks. High maintenance much, Ann?
UGLY: Amanda's transformation into a better-than-everyone beeeyotch, just because she has hair like that female muppet that was in the muppet band. I think her name was Janice, but I might have her confused with my uncle's ex-wife who also had really really long hair.

GOOD: Women becoming concerned about a housemate who appears to not be eating enough food.
BAD: Trying to lose weight by unhealthy means.
UGLY: A house full of women talking about someone behind their back and not trying to get her help, but just scheming how to get Trump to fire her. Ooops, I mean get Tyra to send her home. Right? I got confused; which show are we talking about?

GOOD: Nicole's fiery, edgy new look
BAD: Kristi's bangs-in-her-eyes look
UGLY: Amanda's creepy undead-drag-queen look

Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Temp Job News
(Click here for the review from my last temp gig.)
I am not inspired to write about the amenities at my current workplace, because the office is very small and... ..."overhead conscious" would be a nice way to put it.
Most of the office tools are shared. With only 12 people (9 women, 3 men) when everyone's in, it's not a huge deal, but still.

A Few Of The Office Tools shared by all:
copy machine
hole puncher
tape dispenser
typewriters (shudder)
staple removers

Food and Beverages:
Coffee: There's a drip machine in the office-supply-pantry-copy room, but get this: There's no sink. The whole office is right over the garage, and this somehow means there can't be piping or a sink. So yeah, go ahead and make some Maxwell House, but when it gets stale, you'll have to take it to the bathroom to rinse it out and such.
Food: The only time there's food available is when someone brings something in and is all "Oh, I made this but I can't possibly eat it, you'll all have to help me with it, better you than me."
I hate that passive-aggressive bullshit; it's like saying, Eat up, fatties, I know you will. Anyway, this has only happened once so far, the bringing in of the banana bread.

Office Supplies:
Stapler: Some crappy Swingline. And I mean crappy in the literal I-really-need-to-bring-back-a-damp-soapy-paper-towel-from-the-bathroom-and-clean-off-the-caked-on-filth kind of way.
Monitor: Dell. Surprisingly modern, considering.
Computer: Dell, and I learned the scond day there that nobody ever shuts off their computers ever. Is that weird? Or is in The New Thing?
Mouse: Old-school rollerball with working scroll thingy.
Keyboard: Black, so I can't see the filth, but I can see the lint.

Office-Supply-Pantry-Copy Room:
Appliances: copier, postage machine, microwave, dorm fridge, coffee machine, water cooler.
Lunch Culture: All the women gather in the conference room (if available). Some bring lunch, most of the rest buy soup or sandwiches at nearby deli.

Ladies' Bathroom:
Shared with other offices in the building.
Stalls: 4. The handicapped one is all private-y, with its own sink and mirror. It's very popular. The middle one of the other three doesn't close properly, and seems to be generally shunned as a result. So far, there's always been soap, but today only the handicapped stall had paper towels.
Amenities: Money required for purchase of tampon or pad.

Friday, October 01, 2004
Trump's Suits Choosing tangent over content
blah blah NBC Recap Here blah blah Spoilers Ahead! blah blah previous comments blah blah better now, thanks

Bad First Impression
At best, this episode was kinda boring, except for the parts about Stacy and John. I suspect the ep was put together by monkeys, while the regular editors took a union-mandated break and read Highlights for Production Assistants. When the first scene we see is Raj in his underwear, it doesn't bode well for what's to come. Kwame he ain't.

Assorama's Revenge
Speaking of clawing out my eyes, NBC has episode commentary from "last season's villain", Omarosa. I highly suggest you check it out; it's amazing how poorly she writes. I've chosen to link to her Episode 2 commentary, which includes one "????", three attempts to translate air-quotes to the written word, and, oh, my eyes, the phrase the Omarosa Apprentice Playbook. This edged out the Ep.1 comments, which have a total of thirteen exclamation points. That's some quality literature. For those who attempt to read more than one of these abominations, please try to figure out why she vacillates between calling him Trump and DT, and report back to me. DT? Isn't that a disease?

All I'm askin' / Is for a Little Stacy when you come home
Forget that bullshit Trump spewed about respect. After all, how much did the men respect their leader, Raj? Not much, it seems, since he got very little screen time and John did all the work. So Trump's lesson was weak.
The real lesson to learn this episode is: Don't Fuck With Little Stacy.
Don't make her make you wake up dead.

Reasons Not To Call Little Stacy a Munchkin:
1. You will end up having your ass handed to you by her, Trump, or both of them individually.
2. She will get the rest of the seventh grade to totally ignore you for like, a week.
3. Pamela might think she is food and devour her like a chocolate bunny, ears first. This is bad for team morale.

Waiter John, can I get some fries with that shake-shake booty?
John! John is my hero! John is a modern-day Renaissance Man!
Behold the John-of-all-trades:
Motivational Speaker: I absolutely adored his realistic-yet-inspiring speech to the rest of his team about How To Give Good Customer Service. You don't have to like the customers, you just have to get them to think you like them. Anyone who didn't love his speech is a complete jackass. Yeah, that's right Raj, I'm callin' you out. What, you wanna go? Let's go then! Not so tough without your little walking stick, are ya. Yeah, I can take you; I'm a Gentile Little Stacy. That's right, you better back away. Don't think I won't cut you.
Artist Extraordinaire: Back to John. The men of Mosaic must have a lot of junk in the trunk, because every episode, one of them pulls something amazing out of his ass. This week it was John's turn, and he produced some really cool artwork for the restaurant. Ass-tacular.
Male Prostitute: Mosaic wanted to get the table of four gay men to write some positive notes on the survey card, so they pimped out John to the table. This was a smart business move; John's hot whoring had the customers changing their comments from limp salad to hot buns in the drop of a shoe. Yeah, I didn't understand the shoe thing either.

The Firing
I thought that the ep.2 boardroom was creating a character arc for Jennifer C. where at first she speaks up too much, but then she learns an important lesson about shutting the hell up. Sadly, this was not the case. Also, it wasn't the reason she was fired. She was fired for trying to make the boardroom the place for personal vendettas. She could have brought in Sandy along with the the other two, but no, she was stupid. Whatever, dumbass, get out.