Followup
Umm, I hope you didn't celebrate the fertility holiday Polish-style, with water-spilling and switch-whipping. I mean, given the choice.
posted by JJ at 9:31 AM
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Friday Five
Give back, people. To the blog. Entertain ME.
Below are five (5) questions; please leave your responses in the comments. I will include my responses at the bottom of this post.

1. What ongoing news story do you find you are hearing the most about, either because you are seeking it out or because it's all your usual news outlet will cover?

2. Pants low so your fat sits on top, or high to cover it? [If your answer is "what fat?", I don't want to hear it. Skip this one.]

3. Can you do haiku?
Answer not as a question.
Show, instead of tell.

4. Favorite artificial sweetener?

5. How do you celebrate the fertility holiday of the Spring Equinox? [a.k.a. Easter, Ostara, Oestre]

1. News story: The Schaivo situation. So I've started listening to more cd's in the car now.
2.Pants: usually high. More flattering that way.
3. Already answered.
Much easier to compose
than a limerick.
4. Artificial sweetener: Splenda
5. Equinox celebration: Egg coloring and chocolate eating. And maybe a little gettin' it on. You know, for religious reasons.
posted by JJ at 10:20 AM
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Small Acts of Courage

I did the followup blood test this morning. It had gotten to the point where my imagination had concocted some dire and unlikely scenarios, so I figured the truth is probably better than what I can dream up for myself. Isn't one major organ malfunction per couple enough?

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I'm breaking in the contact lenses. I get to wear them an hour longer each day; tomorrow I'm up to 10 hours, so if I put them in before I leave for work, I can do both ends of my commute with them. I can't tell quite how I'm doing with them; I think my eyes are drier, but the air conditioning system at work was recently tweaked, so it might not be the lenses.

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Someone at work just got a spray tan today, before leaving on vacation. It made me wonder whether I should do that (spray tan) when the warm weather hits. She said it was kind of scary, being trapped in a small booth, naked, with loud sounds and chemicals. But it does look good.

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I'm slowly getting used to the notion that I have a steady job and, thus, can afford to send people gifts when appropriate. For years, I have barely been able to pay my bills, and I have been afraid to spend money on anything not completely necessary. Only in the past few weeks have I started to relax about this some - I ordered my sister some of her favorite tea as a congratulations present for getting into her first-choice Master's program in Wildlife Biology. By this time next year, I hope I have loosened up enough to not think of that as an accomplishment.
posted by JJ at 11:53 PM
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Three Confessions

I bought three bags of conversation hearts when they went on sale after Feb. 14. I have gone through all three bags, avoiding the purple ones. And sometimes the pink ones.
I just don't like the purple or pink flavors so much.

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I have a limit to how much I can care about the wedding minutia. At David's Bridal the other night, I was feeling good about having figured out the bridesmaid dresses, and then the woman asked about shoes.
Shoes?
And I admit it, I do. I admit I announced right there in the store that I totally don't care, and everyone can just wear whatever black shoes they want - buy new ones, or wear old favorites. Whatever.
Then the lady picked up on it, and started whoring out the black purses, to match the shoes. But you're not really reading this, you're still thinking about how weird it is that I didn't eat the purple ones. What's wrong with the purple ones? What's wrong with me?

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I still haven't gone back for the followup blood test. But um... does it even out that tomorrow I am going to the optometrist for the second time this week?

posted by JJ at 11:11 PM
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Drink your way to urinary tract health
My sister lives out west. Not all the way west, just westerly. Landlocked.
In and around her town, there are several brewpubs, so when she and her friends go out, they drink beer. But sometimes, when they stay in, they drink wine.
My sister is allergic to red wine.
Comically allergic.
It makes her sneeze.
It makes her sneeze non-stop.
I didn't believe her when she first told me this several years ago, and my sweet sweet sister was good enough to demonstrate at dinner that evening, and it was quite a show with all of that sneezing all over the place.

Anyway, the other night I realized that I had the perfect solution to her what-to-drink-when-everyone-else-is-drinking-red-wine problem. Actually, I don't know that this HAS ever been a problem for her, but now it never WILL be because I've given her, as I am about to give you, my recipe for

No Clean-up Necessary Cosmopolitans
You will need, of course, lime juice and vodka.
You will also need one of these:

But only one; you don't need the whole four-pack tonight. Or, maybe you do - I don't know your life. Anyway, twist one of these 12oz bad boys open, and chug a few gulps so the cranberry juice is down to the little pinch in the plastic, just above the label.
Now squirt in some lime juice. I suggest about enough to bring the level just above the little pinch in the plastic above the label, but I use one of those damn lime-shaped squeeze things, so I just squeeze until my hand cramps a little, then call it a day.
Finally, the vodka. Don't fill it all the way; you'll need some air in there to be able to shake it all up.
Shake
shake-shake-shake
shake

Taste.
If there isn't enough vodka in there, then you know what to do.

This should make enough for two wine-glass-fulls - enough for my li'l sis to keep pace with her non-sneezing, red-wine-drinking friends.
posted by JJ at 6:36 PM
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Yes, yes, I bought the dress

And everyone is asking what it looks like.
People.
Please don't ask what my wedding dress looks like.

What
the hell
do you think it looks like?

It's white
It's big
It has a long train.

There's lace
There's beads
There's a big bow on my ass.

Oh,
you are thinking
it sounds like she doesn't like it

To which I must point out that I like it very much
It is my favorite
of all the wedding dresses

of all the white white dresses
(white is not a flattering shade)
(neither are the off-white options like ivory and bisque)

of all the big big dresses
with or without crinoline augmentation
either way I look like a pinched snowflake

there is no way out of this
of course I like my dress
I like it so much, I'm wearing it to my wedding.
posted by JJ at 10:03 PM
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