chemaccino

2006-07-04T10:36:00.000-04:00

Yep, I got nothin'
Cocoa Puffs look like deer poop.

2006-05-13T14:51:00.000-04:00

I can't get enough of the Oozinator.
My favorite part is when some dangles off the kid's finger.
Ah, Hasbro, what have you done, and how many people will lose their jobs because of it?

2006-05-12T21:09:00.000-04:00

With a 10oz cartridge, you'll need a Hoover-Dam-sized reservoir tip.
If you don't know about Hasbro's new Oozinator, just google it. But the best is Amazon's cached site from Google - they have disabled reviews for the item.

2006-04-25T21:08:00.000-04:00

In other news, I've gone from "I hope I figure out how to successfully fold this origami rose" to "I wonder how small I could fold an origami rose".
Please leave suggestions in the comments for what origami roses would be useful for. They don't fold flat, by the way.

2006-04-25T20:00:00.000-04:00

Free Association
I just got a call from the local volunteer firefighter fundraising association, and the lady calling was not NOT good at the calling thing.
I countered her first offer with the old I'll have to talk with my husband before I commit to anything, and she replied, "I appreciate that you want to associate with your husband..."

Mmmmm, damn right I want to associate with him. I'm going to associate with him as soon as he gets home.
HOT.

2006-04-16T13:42:00.000-04:00

Oh, right, I forgot
Y'all should know I got me a digital camera.
Time previously spent word-blogging is now being refocused on photo posting.
viva la flickr.

and pardon the pun.

2006-04-16T13:36:00.000-04:00

omgwtfbbqlolz
Please check out the spam comment to my previous post.
Greatest.
Spamcomment.
Ever.

I'm not going to delete it, because the author made this plea:
"Please remember to never
restrict anyone's opportunities
for ascertaining uninterrupted
existence for their quintessence."

Right on.

2006-04-15T22:54:00.000-04:00

I learn something new every day. I could have done without today's.
I think I would rather have spent my life in ignorance rather than find out that Bill Paxton played a Nazi in the music video for Pat Benetar's "Shadows of the Night."
There are so many things wrong with that whole image, I don't know where to start.
So I won't.

2006-04-14T11:55:00.000-04:00

Never mattered before, who cares
Ever since that damned Family Guy episode I cannot CANNOT rid myself of the Mr. Belvedere theme. GodDAMMIT. I mean, it has been DAYS. It comes back over and over.
Extreme measures will be taken this weekend.
I just might live the good life yet.

2006-03-08T13:59:00.000-05:00

11 Punchlines to some of my favorite jokes
I'm a frayed knot.
Tea time!
A pig like that you don't eat all at once.
Is this some kind of joke?
He's a super-calloused fragile mystic plauged by halitosis.
Arr, it's driving me nuts!
It hasn't affected my sisters.
Mooooo!
Does this taste funny to you?
Sure? I'm positive!
Holy crap, a talking dog!

2006-03-05T20:36:00.000-05:00

Elsewhere
Links, y'all!
Don't fear the soundboard (found via Fark)
Live-Action Simpsons (found via Fark)
Yacht Rock
The Lonely Island (found via MeFi, where it was referred to as Lonely Planet, which is a series of traveler guidebooks, not a comedy troupe that inludes Andy Samburg.)

Anyway, that's how I've been rockin' our internet connection on my laptop of late.

2006-02-22T10:09:00.000-05:00

Yes, yes.
I've been ever so remiss. Why are you even checking here anymore?
Well, since you're here, you can feed my new blog pet pig. If you're clever, you can even get him to roll in the ~~mud~~ coffee.

2006-01-28T20:14:00.000-05:00

What's worse than not posting to a blog nobody reads?

THIS.

Not only does he rip off my '11' list thing, but he's like a parody of himself. Or a parody of a parody. When I think of him as Jean Teasdale, he's just a little too Jackie Harvey. When I think of him as Jackie Harvey, he's just too Jean Teasdale.

2006-01-02T21:22:00.000-05:00

2006: Kinder, Gentler, (Infrequent) blogging.
I can't get enough of cuteoverload.com.
In other news, Beau fell asleep with his head on my lap here on the couch, and all I can say about it is whatever you're chasing, I hope you catch it.
I've never seen a twitchier nap.

2005-12-11T12:33:00.000-05:00

SNL
I just watched Shakira on SNL, and I have two thoughts on the matter:

1. She has a great stomach.
2. She is so screwed if she loses her looks, because she's got nothing else.

2005-11-07T23:09:00.000-05:00

Last book read: The Penultimate Peril by Lemony Snicket
Looking forward to: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in IMAX
Feeling guilty: for not blogging about the drama of how I decided to get a different car
Excited about: my 2003 Sentra with a 5 year comprehensive warranty
Brought down by: the messiness of the apartment a full month after the wedding
Enjoying: photos of people's babies on flickr

2005-10-16T14:46:00.000-04:00

What day is it?
It is seriously difficult to keep track of the days here, especially with the 6-hour time difference. Beau is out for a morning jog, and I wussed out because my legs are sore from snorkeling in a current. I know, the tiniest violin for me.
Anyway, it's a lazy morning; I'm sitting out on the you-know-what, web-surfing, in just a sarong. We tried taking a picture on me in the sarong the other day, but attempts were for naught. They look terrible, and not just because of the backlighting issues.
Instead, here's one we took from the hotel restaurant at sunset.

2005-10-12T15:39:00.000-04:00

Aloha, etc.
We've been on the island of Maui for less than a day, and already I've come up with tons of blog fodder. Unfortunately for you, I am not going to take the time to write it all down.

One thing is, I was thinking about doing another 11 about how we fixed all the things that have so far gone wrong. But that felt awfully negative for a wedding that went so very well and a honeymoon that has delivered us safely to our destination. If you blame "the spirit of aloha", I will throw up a little in my mouth.
I will say only this: they promise to switch us to a room with a single king bed today, and they bought our breakfast for us this morning to make up for the mistake.

Last night, our first night in (on?) Maui, we ordered room service.
Because it was cheaper.
I swear to you, it's true - it's an expensive island. Anyway, we ate it outside on our room's balcony, overlooking a grassy patch of loveliness on the resort property.
Technically, this balcony thing is called a "lanai", but calling it that makes me feel like I'm on an episode of The Golden Girls.
Blanche! Bring the cheesecake out to the lanai!

2005-10-11T02:33:00.000-04:00

pseudononymously pseudo-anonymous
By the way, for those of you who know me, there are a few photos over on my flickr page of the weekend goings-on.

2005-10-10T23:24:00.000-04:00

It's like they got us a wedding pressie.
SO GOOD!

2005-10-10T23:09:00.000-04:00

Checking in
The wedding was lovely; though I suppose I'm utterly biased.
Nobody would ever tell me differently, anyway, so I'll just go on believing people when they say it was one of the best weddings they've been to.
Like Mulder, I Want To Believe.
Tonight we are in an airport hotel on our way to Hawaii, and we just wanted to get our internet on before foraging for dinner.
According to Thunderbird, the spammers have missed me most of all.
They think Now is the timu and they want to know if I Want some love pi11s.
Well, now IS the timu, and we don't need any pi11s, thanks.

2005-09-28T07:13:00.000-04:00

Comment-inspired Haiku

cherry-covered bee
cappuccinos are not safe
epi-pen cocktail?

2005-09-22T07:19:00.000-04:00

Jagged Little Avulsion
Last night Beau got a really cool Leatherman - a juice cs4. For those who don't know, a Leatherman is a more practical version of a Swiss Army Knife: it's for people who want to use a tool, rather than be a tool. Anyway, so I think they are cool, and I was all excited playing with it. Now these, THESE, are some serious scissors I said, and as I folded them back in, my middle finger got in the way.
Thus, the post title.
To add insult to injury (literally), we're out of my favorite brand of self-adhesive bandages, and I have to use crappy Band-Aids (tm).

2005-09-20T07:29:00.000-04:00

11 Posts I've been meaning to write
If mice are going to infest every place I live, I'd like to get them sewing clothes for me
Why We Should Make the Wedding Programs Ourselves: A Persuasive Essay
Taradise: Sign of the Apocalypse?
It Would Be Easier to Have the Photographer Whiten My Teeth in the Photos
My Body, My Stress: The various recent physical manifestations of stress I've been experiencing
How my home internet has made me the rat with the random pellet
Proximity is the new Minesweeper
Is it a bad sign that the floor squeaks when I do yoga?
Shut Up, Stop Smoking, Put Down Your Coffee, and Drive.
Younger, Thinner, More Ambitious: the new associate and how she won over everyone with baked goods
Someone found this blog by searching for insects in cappuccino machines. Thanks for the new nightmare.

2005-09-08T07:47:00.000-04:00

Trucks and SUVs recalled for switch that could cause fires.(from CNN)
Umm, whose bright idea was that?
Cruise control: now with more fire-starting power!
Can you just imagine the engineer that has to be all Uh, my bad.
Thinking about that person makes me glad that my job mistakes are so insignificant. The last time I thought to myself My bad was yesterday, when I accidently sliced off a third of an invoice while opening the mail. This was solved with tape. And there were no fires.

2005-09-07T20:00:00.000-04:00

11 Remedies I have tried, and their effectiveness
Drinking water for a headache sometimes works.
Excederin is better than ibuprofen for a headache.
Benadryl anti-itch cream is the best for mosquito bites, and I should carry some in my purse whenever I plan to be outside, it is that good.
Caffeine for a headache only works some of the time, and never works when it's a headache from too much caffeine. I can never tell if it is.
Alcohol does not ever help a headache.
I think those zinc tablets work for cold symptoms, but that might be psychosomatic.
Drinking water does not help with general achiness.
Alcohol can help with general achiness and is most effective in beer form; wine is the least effective form.
For echinacea to, theoretically, work to prevent colds, you have to take it 3+ times every day whether you're sick or not and I have found that I can't be bothered.
Caffeine will not make an achiness go away, but it will help you get involved in something that will take your mind off it.
Gargling with warm salt water is just gross.

2005-09-06T17:49:00.000-04:00

how fat are you going to get?
Dear Armando Perman,
I don't know you, but I suppose you know me, because I get email from you periodically. Your most recent missive, referenced above, was a particularly disturbing one, as it was not immediately picked up by the Junk filter, and arrived at the end of a particularly hard day at work.
In conclusion, Mr. Perman, fuck you. Fuck you with a big rubber dick.

JJ

2005-08-31T18:34:00.000-04:00

How You Can Help

2005-08-29T18:40:00.000-04:00

11 Moments I'll Always Remember
In the armchair in the den, watching He-Man
A summer afternoon on the grassy hill by the driveway
After school, in front of the garage door
On the street by the driveway, in the cool moonlight and magic of Halloween
In the parking lot of the garden center
Three AM in the bathtub at a friend's house during a mid-winter going-away party
In a tent at a conservation-awareness weekend festival
The warm sunny day in the grass outside the front door of our house
A weekend morning on the phone in the hallway of my apartment
The highway, the embankment, the traffic, the car behind me
The chilly evening in the doorway of a holiday-decorated dry cleaner's

2005-08-29T18:11:00.000-04:00

Ah, CNN. Always a ray of sunshine.
Louisiana evacuees should stay away for at least a week to avoid "a wilderness" without power or drinking water that will be infested with poisonous snakes and fire ants...
Yes, if the hurricane winds and flooding don't get you, the snakes and ants will. Thanks, CNN.

2005-08-24T20:55:00.000-04:00

Remember that one with the retouching?
As some ofyou might recall, I am an unrepentant fan of Tyra's model show. You know the one. One of my favorite episodes is the one where they show how much retouching the photos need. Now, thanks to a link on MetaFilter, you can see it on a bunch of ladies.
Watch! as the camera adds ten pounds... to their boobs and butts!
Marvel! at the way cellulite and small rolls of fat just melt away!
Be Ye Not Afraid! as armpits are eradicated!

This site made me feel better about my body. I see now that I am, along with every one I know, star quality, if only with the right retouching.

2005-08-24T00:04:00.000-04:00

11 Companies That I Think Should Pay For The Advertising, However Nominal, That They Are Getting From My Wedding - Listed Alphabetically

Birchcraft Studios
Brooks Brothers
Crate and Barrel
Cuisinart
David's Bridal
Macy*s
Mikasa
Tiffany
Waterford
Wedgwood
Wusthof

2005-08-23T07:32:00.000-04:00

11 CDs Recently Played
Norah Jones, Feels Like Home
Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Indigo Girls, Nomads Indians Saints
Frank Sinatra, Classic Sinatra
Beach Boys, Sights and Sounds of Summer
Sarah McLaughlin, Fumbling Toward Ecstasy
Cocktail Mix, vol.2, Martini Madness
Dave Matthews Band, Under the Table and Dreaming
Sheryl Crow, C'mon, C'mon
George Michael, Faith
Rusted Root, When I Woke

2005-08-20T23:15:00.000-04:00

11 Dates, 1990-1996, listed chronologically by a memorable factoid about the date or the guy
First kiss
Ice-skating date on the pond in his backyard
He actually wore a bandana around his forehead all the time, like Willie Nelson or Rambo or something. Why? WHY?
Junior prom date
Drove nice cars. Yeah, you read that right. Cars.
In my defense, I didn't know this was a date until he made a move. Since when is Brazil a date movie?
Loved watching Letterman
A trip into town to check out that new coffee place everyone's talking about, 'Star'something. Except it wasn't open, so we got pizza instead.
A real date! in a restaurant! and he paid! Come on, that's a big deal in college.
Harrassing pedestrians with a laser pointer.
The first guy to cook me dinner

2005-08-19T07:47:00.000-04:00

Uh Oh.
Is it a sign that I'm getting old when I find myself increasing the text size of webpages? I wish I could blame it on the screen of my new computer, but I've found myself doing this at work lately, too. It's no that I can't read it, it just seems like a bit of a strain. Oh, I feel elderly. Maybe my registry should include one of those big magnifying glasses my great-grandmother used to have.

2005-08-19T07:12:00.000-04:00

11 Toiletries I've Liked Enough That I've Had To Buy More When I Ran Out
Oil of Olay All Day UV Defense Moisture Lotion with SPF 15
Burt's Beeswax, Lifeguard's Choice Weatherproofing Lip Balm
Cover Girl Clean Look Oil Control foundation in Natural Ivory
Sally Hansen Daily Lip Moisturizer
Aveeno Positively Smooth Shave Gel
Jane Nail Polish in Hazing
Clinique Happy lotion
John Frieda Brilliant Brunette Shampoo Amber to Maple
Maybelline Quads in Designer Chocolates
Cover Girl Liquid Pencil in Black Brown
Softlips lip protectant in Cool Cherry

2005-08-18T07:15:00.000-04:00

11 Towns/Cities Where I've Worked For a Month or More
Bedford
Beverly
Boston
New Canaan
Parkton
Providence
Rowley
Stamford
Waltham
Wellesley
Yonkers

2005-08-17T07:58:00.000-04:00

This List Goes To You-Know-What
I'm going to try a new blog project: 11 lists of 11 things about me. It will be interesting for me, coming up with the themes, etc., and it will be interesting for readers, both strangers and friends. Well. It will be at least as interesting as anything else on the blog, and nobody's making you read it, you know.

11 Friends, Listed By A Unique Aspect of Our Relationship

We are sisters, and we hold each other's secrets
We played "Happy Hollisters" in the backyard, and therefore she was the only person who I actually allowed to pull my braids
We wrote "notes" in class to each other that were so long, we started using notebooks and then swapping them at the end of each day
We put together an intricate secret handshake, based in part on Wayne's World skits
We created a correspondence between two fictional characters, Griffin & Sabine style
We wrote the script to the senior year Renaissance dinner show together
We gave our teddy bears matching names, based on ice cream moguls
We developed, but never actually wrote, a comic strip for the college paper about hanging out in the dorm hallway
We came up with an idea for a college TV talk show, titled with our unflattering nicknames, that we seriously considered pursuing
We skipped classes to play Castlevania together
We are getting married to each other this fall

2005-08-16T20:34:00.000-04:00

Post-catering Jammy-Jam
When my friend finally finished his grammatically-required catering gig, he came over along with a few friends. Remember this: Fiancees never drink alone.
Even if your intended is off on a scuba adventure
Even if your intended is off at an out-of-state dress fitting
Fiancees.Never.Drink.Alone.
We drink together! FUN!
Friday night fun makes the weekend last longer. Good thing, too - it took most of Saturday to get over it.

2005-08-12T16:17:00.000-04:00

True friendship means never having to say you're sorry
It also means you still come over for drinks after I send you this IM:

also, your grammatical error just employed you as [Rob] Schneider's caterer.

2005-08-11T19:05:00.000-04:00

Two wrongs DO make a right!
If there's one quote that would entice me into watching The Surreal Life, it's this:

Janice Dickison, on co-reality star Omarosa:
...it's extraordinary fun pissing her off.

2005-08-08T12:22:00.000-04:00

Since when does The New Yorker carry Deep Thoughts?
Since August 2005, apparently.

2005-08-04T11:46:00.000-04:00

All Morning Editions Considered
We received a coffee maker as a wedding present! It arrived last night! It has a timer!
All these things mean that I was more alert on my drive to work, and had my own thoughts about what NPR was saying on the radio, rather than just taking it in.

EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTION You know, it never crossed my mind to find out my OB's opinion on abortion rights, but I guess it's pretty damn important to know that kind of thing. Luckily, I have a good idea about her opinion, since she mentioned at several points in my visit that I should contact her if I ever need emergency contraception. Yeah, mentioned it almost too often.

AIRPLANE SAFETY There was a piece on the Toronto plane that was on fire, etc., and they were talking about improvements in airplane safety, and I came up with this cool idea: Regular people could get trained in airplane safety, the way you get trained in first aid or CPR. You take a several-hour course at the local YMCA, and you get a little card, good for whatever, 3-5 years or so. If nothing else, the card gives you preferred status for the Emergency Exit seats on the plane (more leg room!). Maybe some airlines would give a slight discount on tickets, too. These courses could be developed and taught by former flight attendants, and the equipment used in the class could include an actual airplane exit door - that would be cool. The inflatable slide would be even cooler, but I don't think that's practical.

2005-08-04T09:32:00.000-04:00

Definitions

It doesn't matter whether you are doing it with or without irony.
It doesn't matter what you are driving, even if it is a classic Mercedes convertible.
It is enough that you are a man
who is using a headband to pull his hair out of his eyes
to define you as a douchebag.

2005-08-02T10:20:00.000-04:00

Open Letter of Apology
Last night I had a dream that I was rude to a houseguest. Let me first say, before going into particulars, that my dreams tend to be very realistic, and very mundane. Sometimes I just dream about starting my day, and wake up suprised I'm not dressed for work yet. So please understand that the most titillating part of this post is the word "titillating". It's all downhill from here.

Open Letter of Apology to Bryan Adams

Dear Mr. Adams,
I am so sorry that I was rude to you when your family came for a weekend visit with my family.* I should have been more friendly and hospitable when everyone was sitting around in the living room, rather than ignoring folks. I especially feel bad because you barely seemed to notice, and you were very nice the whole time, especially when you started a conversation with me on the front walk. It made me regret my behavior, and I recall dearly wishing we could start over, because I just wasn't being myself. Seriously, I'm a pleasant person, usually.
Anyway, good luck with the thesis and the wedding planning.
Cheers,
JJ

*In the dream I had last night.

2005-08-02T10:08:00.000-04:00

Oh, so that's how I do that.

71. How to freshen stale nuts.

Stick them in the oven for 15 minutes at 250 degrees.

The rest is here. (via)

2005-08-01T12:09:00.000-04:00

I have no words of my own

It's like the bumper stickers say: If you aren't outraged, you haven't been paying attention.

It's like Reverend Lovejoy's wife says: Won't somebody think of the children?

2005-07-10T20:12:00.000-04:00

The New Reality (Show)
There are two types of reality television that I enjoy:
1. bitchy, high-stakes job competitions
and
2. displaced well-meaning people trying to learn about a foreign culture through immersion.

Of the first type, ANTM and Project Runway are good examples, and of the second, all the PBS '_____ House' series are good examples.
Today I watched an episode of "30 Days", a show that fits squarely into the second category. As with the PBS programs, I was struck by the intensity of the participant's well-meaning-ness. Here was this guy Dave, very into his Christianity, really trying hard to be true to the project and to gain the experience of being a Muslim for 30 days. I mean, he doesn't just forego pork, he takes lessons in Arabic so he can gaina fuller understanding. I was very impressed by his well-meaning-ness. It's nice when reality television shows me someone who I feel deserves my respect for trying so hard at something personally difficult.
Then again, it's also nice to watch models twirl their hair and bitch at each other - I guess that's what makes me a quintessential American television viewer.

On another note, today my mother returned home from the trip she was chaperoning in London. She told me that the flight home was the first time she's ever been truly afraid on a plane, which is saying something considering how many times in the past five years she's flown into or out of NYC.

2005-06-30T21:19:00.000-04:00

Best. Boss. Ever.
This afternoon I asked my boss if I could leave a little early tomorrow, since it's a long weekend and all. I knew this would be greeted favorably, since I stayed really late on Monday to help her prepare for trial, but I was not expecting her to take it to the next level:
Why not take the whole day? Do you have anything that can't wait until Tuesday? Tomorrow's going to be quiet anyway; nobody's going to call.

Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't blog about work, but I thought I'd break the rule and rub it in yo' face about how good I got it.
Happy 4th, losers.

2005-06-30T09:49:00.000-04:00

One, two, three, four, I declare kitten war!
KittenWar.com combines two things I can admit to enjoying:
adorable kittens and passing judgment.

But all our kittens are winners, really.
(via)

2005-06-29T21:30:00.000-04:00

What, this old thing?
Ummm... I'm back.
I have been all excited by my new computer (Sony Vaio VGN-FS640, widescreen) and also by Mozilla products (Firefox and Thunderbird in particular) and also also the Kingdom, which has all sorts of new content, now that Ascension has been implemented. Oh, man! MAN! It has been exciting, I tell you what. I have been cross-breeding mushrooms like there are 6 tomorrows.

But enough of this shop talk.
Let's talk about the bathroom.

This afternoon at work, I went into the bathroom and was minding my own business when the woman in the stall next to me started humming Que Sera. She had been in there before I walked in, and this got me to thinking: As far as bathroom stall tunes go, Que Sera is probably a perfect choice. If you just have to hum in the bathroom. I mean, think about it: Whatever will be, will be.

The future's not ours to see.

2005-06-06T17:45:00.000-04:00

Come back, shame
It's been a while since I checked to see what ca-ray-zee searches have led people to choose to visit this blog.
Here are the funniest of recent visitors:

sucralose and hives (Maybe you need a medblog?)

jj tequila(yum!)

cunt candy used tampons(umm... yuck. Please, people, let's never put those four words together. I mean, either drop the 'candy' or the 'used'. I dunno. Something's gotta go.)

colonial house shave pbs (everybody! let's shave PBS!)

ann abhor is a whore (With a last name like that, you would be too.)

uniball germ-free (I'd buy that for a dollar.)

2005-06-05T12:25:00.000-04:00

PMS much, Mama N?
It's all hot and sunny now, and I kind of get the feeling that Mother Nature heard all the complaining people have been doing about how cold and rainy it's been lately, and she got all pissy, and said What, you want sun? I'll give you sun!
Well, played, lady. Well played.

Sun is still sun, though, and I've gone three-for-three this weekend, with softball Friday night, a jog yesterday morning, and tennis with Beau this AM. For tennis, I got a chance to break in my new yellow visor, found in the Target dollar bin Thursday night. It's bright yellow cotton, with a velcro closure, and I think it looks cute, especially with a ponytail. Beau thinks visors look lame and dorky. Except he'll agree that on me, it looks cute. I actually bought two; the other one is a somewhat mellow shade of orange. As mellow as orange can get, I suppose. Anyway, at a dollar each, maybe I should have gotten more.

2005-06-04T12:36:00.000-04:00

In Which I Geek Out
Enjoy it while it lasts - this opportunity may never come again.
Last night, Beau and I looked at some laptops for potential purchasing. For me. Hooray! It looks like, for about $1200, I'll be able to get something that's powerful enough to not be obsolete for a few years. I pretty much decided that now that the lappys are all widescreen, I should go with a 15" rather than a 14", even though they end up heavier that way. I can make up for the weight by going with a Celeron processer though, because they are apparently lighter and make the battery last longer than an Athelon. I'm sorry to go with Intel, though - I liked the idea of going with an AMD processor, not just because they are more powerful, but because they're a smaller, lesser-known company, and because I have a friend who works for them.

Feel free to recipro-geek-out in the comments. Advice is welcome, though I do not promise to heed your words.

2005-05-25T23:14:00.000-04:00

Women (and Men) of Indiscriminate Age
Last night I had the TV on as I was tidying up my desk area at home. This is the auxilliary television - the one with rabbit ears that we inherited from parents. This meant that I was limited to broadcast shows. the horror! And there was much horror to be had. I found myself with choices ranging from Britney's show to The RobAndAmberGetMarried Special. I ended up leaving the set tuned to the WB, on some post-Dawson program that could more easily fade into the background of my papersorting.

When I did pay attention to the show, it took me a while to figure out that some of the actors were supposed to be high-schoolers and the other actors were supposed to be their parents. Here's the thing, though: to me, ALL of the actors look between 25-35. It would have taken me the entire episode to figure out which were supposed to be which.
Had I tried.
Which I did not.

This much was made clear to me from the beginning:
This show must not be aimed at my demographic.
In fact, with Ms. Mars gone until fall, ALL OF TUESDAY NIGHT is not aimed at my demographic.

2005-05-24T15:58:00.000-04:00

One-Sided
Happy hiatuses to the bloggers taking breaks, but hurry back - when you're all deleted, it's like I'm talking to myself.

chemaccino: Bad was when that stupid lady hit me yesterday - a car bumpin' is not my idea of fun, and since the accident, I get shaken up more easily
chemaccino: people! please! learn to drive!
the brake pedal! employ it!
...
chemaccino: On the very good side, the wedding planning is going smoothly.
chemaccino: It's so ...boring.
chemaccino: Like, it's nice that I get to choose whatever invitation style I want, but there's only so much I can take
...
chemaccino: But there are some very VERY exciting parts, like when we opened the gifts from the engagement party his parents hosted last weekend, and we received a Cuisinart.
...
chemaccino: yeah!
chemaccino: Beau tried it out the night we got home.
...
chemaccino: he made artichoke dip. yum!
...
chemaccino: And the other night, I finally broke in the hand mixer I got at Christmas, as well as the mini-Springforms my aunt gave me at the engagement party my parents hosted. I made little Duncan Hines cakes.
...
chemaccino: they are about the size of oversized muffins.
chemaccino: Thay are a little dry, so when I had one last night, I poured some Razzmatazz (raspberry liqueur) on it.
...
chemaccino: and used artichoke dip as frosting.
chemaccino: ok, that's a lie.
...
chemaccino: Yeah, I agree with you about the all the engagement/shower/wedding thing, though.
chemaccino: There's a lot about planning a wedding that makes me feel like the whole exercise is a crash-course in consumerism.
...
chemaccino: Are you KIDDING? FOUR showers for ONE person?
...
chemaccino: Yeah- If I had to got to that many showers, I think I'd just give them showerheads I bought at yard sales.
chemaccino: or, like, one of those showerheads with an ex-president on them.
chemaccino: "Happy wedding, here's Reagan spitting on you."
...
chemaccino: I think the gift-giving culture should shift focus. I think people should have showers for college graduation instead of weddings, because that's when people tend to move out of the house these days.
...
chemaccino: I think registering for particular home improvements is very cool - it seems so pro-community. As if everyone is chipping in to build those cabinets.
...
chemaccino: yeah. It is interesting, when reading weblogs, to think about how one-sided a story is, and how limited the reader's understanding of the situation is - limited by the perspective of the writer as well as the talent or effort the writer puts towards telling the story.
...
chemaccino: I think I seem whiny online. I noticed recently that all my posts lately have been so whiny. Whiny is boring. I bore myself.
chemaccino: But then I had that exchange with my friend about that puzzle, which was SO boring, I think it's funny.
...
chemaccino: I've been meaning to write about the little cakes I made, but I rarely have time at work and when I get home at night, I don't want to be all creative - I just want to surf the web, or not be at a computer at all.
...
chemaccino: I have my parents' castoff. I'll get a laptop, eventually. That will be super nice, because I can sit on the couch with it.

2005-05-24T07:20:00.000-04:00

Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill to Be Nerdily Nerdy Puzzle Nerds
Today: Self-Referential Puzzle
NERD WARNING: SPOILERS
NON-NERD DISCLAIMER: You don't have to look at the puzzle referred to in the text to enjoy the post.

Jill: http://www.math.wisc.edu/~propp/kitty
Jill: I think I figured it out.
Jack: ummm
Jack: this is weird.
Jack: whats your answer
Jill: really?
Jill: you don't want to try?
Jack: no
Jack: it makes my brain hurt
Jill: use x=3
Jill: and try making 1,2, 3 = False
Jill: and 4=True
Jill: it's like an LSAT puzzle thingie
Jack: oh i'm no good at those
Jack: heh
Jill: and #9=False
Jill: now fill out the rest
Jill: it works, doesn't it?
Jill: FFFTTFFFFF
Jack: why can't you just say x=7
Jack: and 7 is the only true statement
Jill: I tried that.
Jack: actually 8 would be true too
Jack: but whatever
Jack: ok if x=7 then
Jack: 1 is false
Jill: no, you can’t do your x=7 thing because of question #4 i think
Jack: so 4 is true
Jack: so what?
Jack: x is the number of a true statement
Jack: 7 is true
Jack: x = 7
Jack: circular, but it works
Jill: yeah, but what about the rest of the question?
Jack: what about it
Jack: 5 is false
Jack: 6 is false
Jack: 7 is true
Jack: 8 is false
Jack: 9 is false
Jack: 10 is false
Jack: 4 and 7 are true
Jack: x=7
Jill: that makes #3 True
Jack: ok
Jack: so 3 is true and 4 is false
Jill: what about #9 then?
Jack: ok
Jack: 3, 7, and 9 are true
Jack: oh fuck

2005-05-23T21:05:00.000-04:00

grumblegrumblegrumble
On my drive home from work, I got rear-ended.
yes, again.
yes, by a 20-year-old girl driving mommy's car
again.
The big difference is that she hit me at about 5mph, as opposed to my previous incident, when a 20-year-old girl hit me at somewhere around 55mph. So. As for today's bump, I'm okay, she's okay, the car's ok. I just wish I could affect her insurance premiums.

2005-05-15T22:20:00.000-04:00

The drive took an hour longer with the traffic
Well, Beau and I are back safe and sound from our second round of parentally-hosted engagement parties. It went well - I gained the approval of his parents' friends. Also, we received some lovely gifts.
At this very moment, I'm sitting on the couch, using Beau's computer while he sits on the other end of the couch, playing the guitar, singing "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess.
Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.

2005-05-11T00:14:00.000-04:00

And that's whycome Shakespeare was so awesome
In a bizarre twist, events in my life have coincided with the latest H*R 'toon.
That is to say, yesterday I awoke at 4:30am to my own dry, hacking cough. I'm pretty certain I swallowed a bug. It's such an awful sensation, and disturbing to think that while I slept, a bug crawled/flew in. I didn't try to freeze it, but I *did* try to drown it with Fruit2O. It felt like it was lodged in my esophagus for most of the day. Eventually, my body took care of as best I can tell, so I guess the good times aren't over, after all.

2005-05-08T12:14:00.000-04:00

It isn't over until... well, I don't know when, but it isn't over yet.
Last Monday I was too dizzy to go to work. At first, I thought I was too dizzy to drive, and Beau said he could drive me to work, but then I decided that it wouldn't be worth it, because how would I function? I had been dizzy over the weekend, but not quite like this. I took a sick day, and saw my RNP in the afternoon. She decided I had an ear infection, and gave me a prescription for Zithromax. Zithromax, if you don't know, is an antibiotic that you take once a day for three days and it keeps working for the whole 10 days. Zithromax also comes in some very sexy marketing packaging. I mean, sexy for an ear infection antibiotic.

So here I am at day 7 of Days Of Our Antibiotics, and I guess it's doing its job? I wasn't dizzy until Friday afternoon, and it only lasted a few hours. There have been a few times when my ear felt clogged. If you are finding reading this to be boring, imagine how bored I am of having this lingering problem. Of course, I stopped taking the anti-b's the dermatologist had put me on, and I don't know if I'm going to go back on. I think I may call her office. I really don't like the notion of taking antibiotics on an ongoing basis - it seems like a bad idea.

In other news, this weekend I don't have to go anywhere or do anything, and it's been grand, GRAND, I TELL YOU! Yesterday I cleaned up some of the 3-week-old mess from unpacking summer clothes and packing up winter clothes, and for dinner, Beau and I made farfalle and broccoli in a cheese sauce with side Caesar salads, garlic bread, and a bottle of Lindeman's Riesling which turned out to be quite tasty. This morning I suprised Beau with a big brunch: cappuccino, Orangina, fruit salad, scrambled eggs with cheddar and cilantro, french toast, and crescent rolls (aka poor man's croissants). Doesn't that make you wish you were my fiancee?
On tap for today: call Mom and maybe return all the cans and bottles we've accumulated. Oooh, and maybe some plant shopping at the nursery if it clears up a little.

2005-04-26T23:26:00.000-04:00

And sometimes, the bear gets you.

#1 I still cannot fit into any of my khaki pants (aka chinos) that I used to wear, so I finally tried on the pair that I had put aside after my diet a few years back.
It fit, which is
good because I had something to wear to work besides black pants, but
bad because ...well, if I have to tell you, man, you'll never know. Or something.
oh, also bad because I bought them in 1999, and for those of you who have forgotten (and how quickly we do!), that was the year The Gap made khakis incredibly popular, but it was a year before the inventions of the 'plain front' or 'women's straight leg trouser'. So I spent the day sporting a pleated front and tapered leg.

#2 Beau called this evening to let me know he was going to grab dinner and a beer with a female coworker. He did not invite me and he's not home yet. It's not that I'm the jealous type, it's just that ...maybe I should be.

#3 My after-work attempt to purchase some non-heinous spring pants this afternoon was utterly unfruitful. It was only good inasomuch as it was better than yesterday's shopping, when I lost my sunglasses in a store (why weren't they on the floor or something when I went back to look for them? People steal a lot, don't they?) and didn't find any pants then, either.

*sigh*

2005-04-25T23:29:00.000-04:00

After Day 11
My right ear is still all cloggy or whatev, and at the dr's office this morning, the nurse practitioner basically told me to keep doing what I'm doing. She suggested some alternatives to Sudafed, because the 'fed messes me up, but the basic principle is to dry up whatever's in there. The good news is that the low-grade antibiotic my dermatologist prescribed last week will already take care of any possible ear infection.
So I got that going for me,
which is nice.

Other world-rocking headlines from my day:

Nurse Practitioner pregnant!

Stoned At Work: The Hidden Dangers of 'Non-Drowsy' Sudafed

Groom-To-Be Clears Dishes; Scrubs Stovetop

Sister's Weekend Phone Call Continues To Go Unreturned

Holy Crap: Over $2000 charged on this month's Visa statement.

How Messy Is Too Messy? An apartment on the brink.

Mother-In-Law-To-Be Claims Friend Declared Registy Too Boring And Limited.

Self-Applied Fake Tanner Leaves Streaks; Nobody Notices

Wow, More Credit Card Offers!

2005-04-18T12:13:00.000-04:00

What? I can't hear you, I have a Mini-Mag in my ear.
My right ear hasn't popped since last week's flight.
I called the 24hr nurse hotline for tips to help it clear. Here are the suggestions:

DO
...Keep trying to blow it out (hold nose, etc)
...Take anti-inflammatories like ibuprophen
...Try decongestants like Sudafed
...Apply heat
...Call back on Day 11 if it's still stopped up

DON'T
...Get it wet
...Change altitudes

As the old Saturday Morning Cartoon Infotainment used to say, Knowledge is power, and/or half the battle. So, these are my goals. That and some spring cleaning.

2005-04-12T13:54:00.000-04:00

Vegas, baby.
Why would anyone live-blog from Las Vegas? I mean, that would indicate a severe lack of imagination or go-getter-ism or something. Anyway, I learned one important lesson during my weekend on The Strip: Second-hand smoke nauseates me.

Yes, it's pathetic how delicate my system is. Within thirty minutes or less upon entering an indoor smoking-permitted facility (read: "casino"), I was physically ill. Luckily, this nausea was not incapacitating; it was just like having a hangover that never clears up. Also luckily, my travel included some fresh air and some places that weren't smoke-saturated. Hooray! Good times were had!

Over the course of the weekend, I tried different ways of coping with the casino-induced-nausea, based on my standard hangover treatments. First, I tried lying in bed to see if it would clear up. The next day, I tried eating a lot, which sometimes works on my hangovers, especially if it leads to a big poop. By that evening, I decided to turn to the hair of the dog. Perhaps I could drink away the nausea? At first this seemed to work; after a drink or two, it seemed to be clearing up. So I figured, maybe more drinks would be better? So I shared a flight of vodka with a friend.
This.
Was a tactical error.
Enter: new type of nausea.

Luckily, this was a familiar breed that was efficiently medicated with mac-and-cheese. I had ordered a turkey burger, but Beau (brilliant man!) had ordered mac-and-cheese. I think he got in a few bites of it, too.

Oh, actually, there's a second lesson I learned: Cranberry juice is a good chaser for a flight of vodka.

In conclusion: I had fun, you had fun, there were no unscheduled weddings, and the weather cooperated.

2005-04-08T20:18:00.000-04:00

Cuts like a blog
This past weekend, helping my mother arrange the multitude of flowers she and my father bought for the engagement party, I cut my finger.
OK, you're thinking, whatever. But here's the thing: I sliced the tip with the ends of the scissors. Who does that? That is the stupidest thing ever. I mean, I always wondered why little kids' safety scissors had those big blunt ends; apparently, for dumbasses like me.

A few nights later, driving home from a friend's house, I noticed I had cuts on the pads of both thumbs. The hell? The only possible explanation I could figure was the plastic lids to the soy sauce of the take-out sushi. Somehow, I must have cut my thumbs in the prying-off process.

Last night was the trial run of self-tanner foam. Coppertone Sunless Tanner Foam in Light/Medium, to be precise. Today, the finger cut from the scissors has a nice tan outline to it. As for the rest of the tan, it looks great everywhere where it was evenly applied. Let's leave it at that; there's a reason there's a trial run.

2005-04-08T19:13:00.000-04:00

Apparently, this blog is now titled: "Cannot find server"
...and I can't read the comments. So. Umm, thanks for all the fish?

It's just -uninspiring- to try to read one's own blog and find that one cannot load it up correctly. If I can't read my words, who, then? No, don't answer; it's the comments that are really screwed.

But I'll probably put up a post anyway, so I can procrastinate my packing.
Packing for what, you ask? For the weekend. I leave town almost every weekend these days. If it's not for one thing, it's for another.

2005-04-01T12:31:00.000-05:00

Hee.
hee hee.

Might I add, this is an actual news item.

2005-04-01T09:23:00.000-05:00

April Fool Roundup
In honor of the prankity nature of the day, here are some prankity links.
Google Gulp - Intelligently delicious
Not Boing Boing
The 2005 Hostile Takeover of Wikipedia
Homestarrunner Payplus!

These few came to my attention, but I actually other stuff to do today besides trolling the web for pranks. This person, however, is updating every 2 minutes all day, if you haven't had enough. Found via MeFi.

2005-03-29T09:31:00.000-05:00

Followup
Umm, I hope you didn't celebrate the fertility holiday Polish-style, with water-spilling and switch-whipping. I mean, given the choice.

2005-03-25T10:20:00.000-05:00

Friday Five
Give back, people. To the blog. Entertain ME.
Below are five (5) questions; please leave your responses in the comments. I will include my responses at the bottom of this post.

1. What ongoing news story do you find you are hearing the most about, either because you are seeking it out or because it's all your usual news outlet will cover?

2. Pants low so your fat sits on top, or high to cover it? [If your answer is "what fat?", I don't want to hear it. Skip this one.]

3. Can you do haiku?
Answer not as a question.
Show, instead of tell.

4. Favorite artificial sweetener?

5. How do you celebrate the fertility holiday of the Spring Equinox? [a.k.a. Easter, Ostara, Oestre]

1. News story: The Schaivo situation. So I've started listening to more cd's in the car now.
2.Pants: usually high. More flattering that way.
3. Already answered.
Much easier to compose
than a limerick.
4. Artificial sweetener: Splenda
5. Equinox celebration: Egg coloring and chocolate eating. And maybe a little gettin' it on. You know, for religious reasons.

2005-03-23T23:53:00.000-05:00

Small Acts of Courage

I did the followup blood test this morning. It had gotten to the point where my imagination had concocted some dire and unlikely scenarios, so I figured the truth is probably better than what I can dream up for myself. Isn't one major organ malfunction per couple enough?

---

I'm breaking in the contact lenses. I get to wear them an hour longer each day; tomorrow I'm up to 10 hours, so if I put them in before I leave for work, I can do both ends of my commute with them. I can't tell quite how I'm doing with them; I think my eyes are drier, but the air conditioning system at work was recently tweaked, so it might not be the lenses.

---

Someone at work just got a spray tan today, before leaving on vacation. It made me wonder whether I should do that (spray tan) when the warm weather hits. She said it was kind of scary, being trapped in a small booth, naked, with loud sounds and chemicals. But it does look good.

---

I'm slowly getting used to the notion that I have a steady job and, thus, can afford to send people gifts when appropriate. For years, I have barely been able to pay my bills, and I have been afraid to spend money on anything not completely necessary. Only in the past few weeks have I started to relax about this some - I ordered my sister some of her favorite tea as a congratulations present for getting into her first-choice Master's program in Wildlife Biology. By this time next year, I hope I have loosened up enough to not think of that as an accomplishment.

2005-03-17T23:11:00.001-05:00

Three Confessions

I bought three bags of conversation hearts when they went on sale after Feb. 14. I have gone through all three bags, avoiding the purple ones. And sometimes the pink ones.
I just don't like the purple or pink flavors so much.

--

I have a limit to how much I can care about the wedding minutia. At David's Bridal the other night, I was feeling good about having figured out the bridesmaid dresses, and then the woman asked about shoes.
Shoes?
And I admit it, I do. I admit I announced right there in the store that I totally don't care, and everyone can just wear whatever black shoes they want - buy new ones, or wear old favorites. Whatever.
Then the lady picked up on it, and started whoring out the black purses, to match the shoes. But you're not really reading this, you're still thinking about how weird it is that I didn't eat the purple ones. What's wrong with the purple ones? What's wrong with me?

--

I still haven't gone back for the followup blood test. But um... does it even out that tomorrow I am going to the optometrist for the second time this week?

2005-03-09T18:36:00.000-05:00

Drink your way to urinary tract health
My sister lives out west. Not all the way west, just westerly. Landlocked.
In and around her town, there are several brewpubs, so when she and her friends go out, they drink beer. But sometimes, when they stay in, they drink wine.
My sister is allergic to red wine.
Comically allergic.
It makes her sneeze.
It makes her sneeze non-stop.
I didn't believe her when she first told me this several years ago, and my sweet sweet sister was good enough to demonstrate at dinner that evening, and it was quite a show with all of that sneezing all over the place.

Anyway, the other night I realized that I had the perfect solution to her what-to-drink-when-everyone-else-is-drinking-red-wine problem. Actually, I don't know that this HAS ever been a problem for her, but now it never WILL be because I've given her, as I am about to give you, my recipe for

No Clean-up Necessary Cosmopolitans
You will need, of course, lime juice and vodka.
You will also need one of these:

But only one; you don't need the whole four-pack tonight. Or, maybe you do - I don't know your life. Anyway, twist one of these 12oz bad boys open, and chug a few gulps so the cranberry juice is down to the little pinch in the plastic, just above the label.
Now squirt in some lime juice. I suggest about enough to bring the level just above the little pinch in the plastic above the label, but I use one of those damn lime-shaped squeeze things, so I just squeeze until my hand cramps a little, then call it a day.
Finally, the vodka. Don't fill it all the way; you'll need some air in there to be able to shake it all up.
Shake
shake-shake-shake
shake

Taste.
If there isn't enough vodka in there, then you know what to do.

This should make enough for two wine-glass-fulls - enough for my li'l sis to keep pace with her non-sneezing, red-wine-drinking friends.

2005-03-08T22:03:00.000-05:00

Yes, yes, I bought the dress

And everyone is asking what it looks like.
People.
Please don't ask what my wedding dress looks like.

What
the hell
do you think it looks like?

It's white
It's big
It has a long train.

There's lace
There's beads
There's a big bow on my ass.

Oh,
you are thinking
it sounds like she doesn't like it

To which I must point out that I like it very much
It is my favorite
of all the wedding dresses

of all the white white dresses
(white is not a flattering shade)
(neither are the off-white options like ivory and bisque)

of all the big big dresses
with or without crinoline augmentation
either way I look like a pinched snowflake

there is no way out of this
of course I like my dress
I like it so much, I'm wearing it to my wedding.

2005-02-26T09:13:00.000-05:00

Necco, when did you stop trying?
I have been dismayed at the lack of quality in my conversation hearts this year. I knew I should expect some kind of decline, since Necco's been struggling for years, but the decline in quality this year is particularly noticable.
Many of my hearts have been malformed; misshapen and blobby. They also don't seem to have been pressed into the molding correctly, leaving an odd texture to the surface, which has affected the quality of the lettering on the hearts.
The 'conversations' on the hearts have always been a bit difficult to understand ( "URA 10", "URA CUTIE", and the recent "IM ME"), but now that the letters don't always stick and the stampers are often misaligned with their targets, the messages are now often unclear.

Below, a few of this year's special conversation heart messages, courtesy of the Necco quality control guy. Or rather, the lack thereof. See if you can figure out what they were supposed to say.

MORE

MAR
ME

LORE

YOU
& MF

RAGE
ME

BE
VINE

ALL
ME

REAM

GOI
LOVE

DE
MINE

EW
LOVE

#1
PAN

REAM
TEAM

SAGE
ME

E
MAR

MILE

NIC
GIR

ANGE

ALL
STAB

GOT
OVE

IT'S
OVE

MY
V5

BE
WINE

YES
EAR

MARRY
MF

Then again, maybe some of these are on purpose - some of these look like the work of an employee with relationship problems.

2005-02-22T19:50:00.000-05:00

A Trader by any other name would still shop as sweet
A melange of brief poems

He goes by many names: Joe's, Giotto's, and Ming's
But when I'm there, it's hard to tell if price or quality is the thing

Oh!
Trader Joe!
How I love you so!
An enchanted forest!
of fresh broccoli florets!
at less than two-point-oh-oh!

I think I'll get this
oh, and this and this and this
wish I grabbed a cart

The first time I saw frozen asparagus spears
it did seem queer
that I'd never seen them anywhere before.
And I have finally stopped guessing
whether Annie's Goddess Dressing
is carried at any other store.

bag of raw almonds
finally affordable
I can keep first-born

2005-02-21T21:48:00.000-05:00

Fuck This
My blood results came back and they want me to go and get tested again. AGAIN? AGAIN?!?

2005-02-17T09:17:00.000-05:00

Lesson Learned: Surprising Someone with Sweets Often Ends Badly
Pop over to CNN to read about how two teenage girls were sued over a random act of kindness.
Then again, 10:30pm is probably not the best time for banging on strangers' doors.

In wedding planning news, the dress hunt continues, and the drama heightens. Saturday saw us in a boutique shop with an incredibly rude clerk. Last night was lovely at David's Bridal, but it turns out that the dress I like, in addition to its potential to cause a rash from the itchy lace, was erased from the website, and discontinued. While I was trying it on.

2005-02-10T20:17:00.000-05:00

How do YOU celebrate it?
I celebrated my new health care coverage with a visit to the doctor. I DID have health insurance before, but it was the cheap kind that only helps in case of extreme disaster. NOW I have Blue Cross Blue Shield Blue Garlic Blue Crossbow. And everything costs just $10/visit!

So I met with my PCP's RNP and got referrals for a GYN and a dermatologist. HOT!

Here's the part where everyone has to be all proud of me: I got my blood tested.
Not for any particular reason, just kind of a once-every-ten-years kind of a thing. Soon I'll know about cholesterol stuff, I guess. But what makes this HYUGE is that I am a total needlephobe and I have serious anxiety about the blood thing. Like, had-to-sit-in-the-car-for-a-few-minutes-until-I-felt-ready-to-drive level of anxiety. Hopefully, I'm good for another 10 years.

2005-02-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

Pope's got nothing on this one
Have you SEEN the King of Nepal's HAT? Oh my GOD. Here's a link to a photo on nytimes.com. Holy CRAP.
This hat, I mean....
It's like one of those beer-drinking helmets, but with out the beer cans and with flags and stuff.

Beau says it's just part of the backdrop the guy is standing in front of but I say NO IT'S A CRAZY HAT.

2005-01-28T09:56:00.000-05:00

Pootie-Poot
Is this for real? It can't be for real.
But if it's on CNN, it must be true.

2005-01-28T09:33:00.000-05:00

Kohl's for my stockings
Normally, I don't shop at Kohl's. For those of you who aren't familiar with the store, Kohl's is a clothing/department store that carries lower-end brands and the low-end lines of regular department store brands, like "First Issue by Liz Claiborne". Its main competitor, the way I see it, is The Softer Side Of Sears. However, I *like* Sears; the clothing may be cheap, but it's also inexpensive. At Kohl's, you pay department store prices for cheaper products. It's terrible.
BUT.
Last night I went in search of overcoats on clearance. They did not have any overcoats at all, but what they did have was an 80% off sale on quite a variety of items. I bought, among other things, a long wool skirt for $7, and a set of queen-size flannel sheets for $12.

2005-01-27T10:05:00.000-05:00

CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG!

It all happened December 30th. That's right, I was holding out on you. I had a close friend who I wanted to tell in person, but who was unreachable until this week.

As for the photos, I came up with putting the ring on the kitty, but Beau was the one who came up with catching it on film. He just thought it was so cute that the beanie cat ("Zip", for you Ty fans) was wearing my engagement ring.

The Proposal:
He asked me in a decorated storefront window on Thursday December 30th, on our way to the car after leaving a nice restaurant. He showed me the ring, I said I would marry him, and I asked him to put the ring on my finger, which he did.

The Ring:
A few weeks earlier, he took a day-trip to NYC to pick out the ring. He caught the train down in the morning and met up with his mother and his grandmother, who came in from New Jersey. The three of them went to 'the family jeweler', where he picked out the stone and setting with his mother and grandmother's help. I knew about the trip, because we had talked about settings beforehand; he wanted to make sure he would get me something I would like. Once he had made his choices, he and his mother and grandmother went out for lunch. Awwww, can you stand how sweet he is? No wonder his pancreas gave out on him. Wait, there's more...

The Letter:
Thirty-five years ago, Beau's father wrote a letter to Beau's mother's father, asking for his blessing. The Monday after Christmas, 2004, Beau followed in his father's footsteps by mailing a letter to both my parents asking them jointly for their blessing. On Thursday morning while I was at work, Beau answered the phone. Hello?
Hi, [Beau]?
Yes.
This is [my Mom]. YES!!!

My mother was very excited. In fact, she still is. We all are. We're getting married! Expect loads of wedding-related bitching in future posts, including but not limited to

If I Kill Off Some Of My Cousins, I Can Invite More Of My Friends
Whose Bright Idea Was White?
Register-mania: Beware The Affianced And Their UPC Guns
Blood Feud: DJ vs. Band
I'm NOT Going To Pay A Lot For That ~~Muffler~~ Florist!
Threatening My Mother With A Las Vegas Elopement
Maybe The Dingoes Ate My Fiancee

In other news, I have a real snow day from work today, hooray!

2005-01-25T20:47:00.000-05:00

Hook, Line and Sinker
In a bathroom stall in the mall tonight, I realized there's an easy way to remember the three crucial components involved in choosing The Right Stall, if you get to choose.

A hook to hang your coat and bag,
a line of toilet paper ready in the dispenser, and
a sinker clean and clear and ready for use.

Now go forth into the restrooms of the world, dear readers, and choose wisely.

2005-01-24T22:29:00.000-05:00

I am not a Christian, but I will play one in this post
When Beau and I were out in the driveway this morning digging out our cars, I got to thinking about how Alice and Wallace's cars were so very UN-covered in snow and how Beau and my cars were so very BURIED. And I thought that if I were a God-fearing Catholic, the way my mother raised me to be, then perhaps I would see this as a Sign From God.

This led to contemplation of this hypothetical:
If the situation in our driveway IS a Sign From God, what is He* trying to say?

Technically, A&W and Beau and I are in similar dire straights with The Big Guy inasmuch as both couples currently Live In Sin. But I figure Alice has a major bonus point because she sings in a church choir. I don't know if she attends church as a religious rite or just for her singing jollies, but it's still better than nothing, which is what Beau and I do, vis-a-vis church-going. So I suspect God sees Alice as the most righteous of the four of us, and Wallace is righteous by association. So a simple analysis might lead one to the belief that He just cleared their cars off for them.

But I don't think it's that simple; He's rarely that straight-forward. About an hour into the shoveling this morning, I started thinking that, in the hypothetical Judeo-Christian paradigm of a world of a God that actually cares about the day-to-day of every person, maybe the blizzard-swept driveway is a test. And who would God be testing, or how would He set up this challenge?

Dumping snow on the cars of lapsed Catholics to test whether they still have the ability to martyr themselves seemed too simple.

That's when I realized that the snow patterns in the driveway must have been meant to test Alice and Wallace and their christian sense of charity. Considering how little they helped us with our side of the driveway (not at all), I don't think God is impressed.

*Please note that the hypothetical assumes a Catholic God, which is always referred to in the masculine. Don't buck the hypo, people.

2005-01-24T20:15:00.000-05:00

Sunlight on Snowdrifts
It took the two of us over 2.5 hours to get (our side of) the driveway cleared out. I have to admit, the windswept snowscape was beautiful.
Here are two daylight shots - with the right contrast, you should be able to discern the ridges the wind cut into the sides.

I did end up going in to work, but the main roads weren't that bad, really.
Work is awkward, because there's this college senior who has worked for my boss for 3-4 years, and now she's back after a semester abroad and ...well, it's uncomfortable. I mean, she knows how to do the day-to-day tasks that everyone's been putting off teaching me, but that I've had to patch together. She also knows how to do the larger projects, like drafting a variety of pleadings, that someone ought to teach me, but nobody ever has time to. But since she's part-time, she just does the tasks Lisa comes up with, so I'm still not learning everything. I'm starting to look forward to the fall, when Lisa's left to practice on her own, and the college girl starts law school elsewhere and I'm the Only One Left. Because I figure I'll HAVE to get to do the stuff by then.

2005-01-23T19:00:00.000-05:00

Alice and Wallace: Nobody's Fools
When we moved in, we were informed that we got the right side of the driveway, and Alice and Wallace get the left side. Today we found out why they chose that side.

Apparently, the wind pattern in the driveway corridor between our house and the next is such that the snow all gets blown over to the right-hand side of the driveway. This afternoon, in the space of an hour, they were able to dig out Wallace's Outback, and they didn't touch Alice's Corolla. This bears repeating: The Corolla on the left has not been touched by human hands. Beau's Passat has snow for two on it.
What?
What's that you say?
You say his car isn't in the picture?
Au contraire, it's there, it's just buried under one of the Bruneau Dunes that relocated to our driveway.

Did I mention how all the snow blew off Alice and Wallace's cars and onto our cars?
I did? Well. It bears repeating.

And here's my car, farther down the driveway. The fact that we can actually see parts of it is small consolation. Even once we DO dig it out, it handles like crap in the snow. No snow tires, no anti-lock brakes. It's a nightmare. The thing is, the wind was whipping the snow around until about 4:00pm, so there really wasn't any point to shovelling before then. Even now, I suspect our hard work will be ruined by morning. I am so totally not going to work tomorrow. I guess I should call someone and let them know.

2005-01-21T21:34:00.000-05:00

From Donny Deutsch to Danny the douche
The third season of the Trump program is not off to a promising start. I like the concept of "street-smart vs. book-smart", but I think that Trump plays off it in irritating ways. It seems to me he's stacked the deck so Networth, the street-smart team, can't lose. I mean, even if they *do* lose, then, as one contestant points out, who'd feel bad about losing to someone who went to Harvard?

Also, as a college grad myself, I am personally embarrassed by that Danny guy. He's like that guy in your freshman dorm who thought he could make friends and score booze and weed by growing out his hair and playing his guitar. I'm sure I'm not the only one who fantasized of getting all Bluto on his ass. He is, in fact, so egregiously out of place that I wonder whether the Powers-that-be have cast a few anti-ringers: contestants who clearly cannot win, but have been included to create tension on the teams. In any case, I'm not going to knock myself out to catch the next episode.

2005-01-21T20:17:00.000-05:00

Critique: Stop & Shop Chocolate
Last night Beau came in from a trip from the grocery store, and said he had bought me a surprise. He had bought me Stop & Shop's house-brand chocolate, in milk and dark, and explained that is was for you to keep on hand, because I know how sometimes you want chocolate. And I said
Stop & Shop brand? You think this will be good? and he said
Oh, it's the best-kept secret. It's probably like Ghirardelli in there. The store brands are surprisingly good.

So I opened the milk chocolate to try it out, and now it's open so it's getting eaten over the course of yesterday and today. And my pronouncement is thus:
This chocolate is much better than Hershey's but not as good as Cadbury's. This puts it in the ULTRA-DANGEROUS category of "Delicious enough that I enjoy eating it, yet not so delicious that I slowly savor every morsel." This results in the consumption of mass quantities.

And let me take a moment to be rude and rub in all y'all's faces the otherwise-embedded tidbit from this post:
I live with a man who surprises me with chocolate just because he knows I like it.
If you aren't jealous, you haven't been paying attention.

2005-01-20T19:09:00.000-05:00

Heeeliuumm!
via MeFi. Some like it, some don't. I do. I think these little Flash cartoon-things are funny.
Funneeeeeee...

2005-01-20T18:11:00.000-05:00

Everyone agrees on the following:

It takes about 2 hours to transcribe one hour of dictated document inventory.

You can't do more than one hour of pure uninterrupted transcription at a time without hallucinating and/or begging for the swift mercy of death.

Nobody wants to stay late at work to get this done faster.

Seven hour-long tapes will take a lot of time.

Monday might be an unrealistic deadline.

2005-01-19T19:43:00.000-05:00

Gotta keep those lovin' Good Intentions a-happenin' with here
I had such Good Intentions to make this The Big Week Of Revelations, where the blog would have a new surprise every weekday. But then everyone has all these
big thingys happening on their blogs, so it seems so copy-cat of me now.

And I get disheartened by how small my readership is compared to other people's, which is stupid, because there's really no reason to care who or how many whos are reading this.

Most of all, though, I get kind of down whenever I hear of yet another person abandoning the Boston area for the NYC area. Where's the love? Were you only here 'til you found a good job out there? This was just a training ground?

I love Boston. I love living near Boston. I love the T, the sports teams, the weather, the location, even the drivers. I grew up just 90 minutes north of New York City, and I do not like The City. I guess I can understand why other people do, but it's not for me. Too loud, too crowded, too confusing, too dirty.

I love New England. It's true that in my life I've only lived in New England and New York (and Maryland, but only for a summer). But I don't have to live in a dozen different regions to figure out the one that's right for me. It's not for everyone, but it's right for me.

So I get a revelation onto the blog after all. Not that I was hiding it (*cough* weatherpixie *cough*), but now it's out there. Boston, baby.
Boston.

2005-01-13T19:35:00.000-05:00

Go, Indians!
Maybe this is the DayQuil talking, but I just want to give a shout-out to whoever it is who has been checking in on this blog once or twice a day all week, hailing in from Farmington Public Schools in Connecticut. Did you know that Farmington is one of 26 CT schools that uses "Indians" as their mascot? It's true; I read it on the internet.

But don't dismay, little Farmingtonian. It could be worse... much worse. When I ran track in high school, one team we ran against was called the "Trojans". I don't know how many Trojan teams there are in Connecticut, because there does not seem to be a webpage for a Greek Sports Team Mascot Anti-Ethnic-Slur Advocacy Group or whatever. Apparently, there is at least one team of Trojans, and that link will make you cry for the admissions office at Trinity University. Please note: Trinity University, NOT Trinity College.
You can see where that gets confusing.
I think I can see where this post gets confusing. Oh, well. Go, Indians!

2005-01-13T16:12:00.000-05:00

Top Five Lists: Direct! from the Home Office on the Couch in my Apartment

Top Five TV Shows I Only Watch When I'm Very Sick and Very Bored and Nothing Good Is On
5. M*A*S*H
4. The Bad Movie Playing On USA Network
3. The Nanny
2. Sabrina, The Teenaged Witch
1. Diagnosis Murder

Top Five TV Shows I Won't Ever Watch Even When I'm Very Sick and Very Bored
5. Yu-Gi-Oh!
4. Anything on QVC
3. Murder, She Wrote
2. COPS
1. Full House

2005-01-12T19:26:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, "Cherish these moments"
So last night, when I was still pretending to myself that I wasn't sick, I walked around the mall (exercise!) and on my way out I stopped in CVS to pick up Chloraseptic spray for Beau, and bought myself some 99-cent CVS-brand Assorted Ju-Ju's. I then ate half the bag on my drive home. Delicious! and soothingly smooth!

Once I got home, nothing really appealed to me, so ultimately, I had Ju-Js for dinner last night.

(We started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.)

2005-01-10T23:12:00.000-05:00

Come What May
What, sick again?! I've got something new now; a chest cold, one might say. It's relatively mild, and I'm trying to ignore in the hopes that it will go away, but I do end up feeling pretty sorry for myself that I have to go to work again tomorrow.
Beau has a horrible full-blown cold that makes him cough - and then choke - and then cough up some phlegm. And every cough causes a sharp pain. It's awful, poor guy. It's like backstage at the Moulin Rouge around here, except with pajamas.

Beau has a doctor's appointment for tomorrow, and depending on what the outcome is there, we'll decide whether I should see a doctor. I'd like to hold off on a visit until my Real Health Care kicks in in February.

2005-01-06T18:58:00.000-05:00

Moniker Madness
I have an (anonymous/blog-related) AIM screenname now, for those readers who want to IM and such:
"chemaccino"
catch me [online] if you can!

In other news, I'm thinking about changing my byline. Maybe to "JJ", which is what I use when I comment on other people's blogs.
The thing is, I am still an adminwhore: I have a job that I don't really love, because it pays a decent salary and it's stable, reliable work. However, I now have a permanent job, so it seems a little down-on-myself to refer to myself so negatively for something I don't intend on changing. [tangent]Oh, don't get me wrong, the job is really good, otherwise I wouldn't have taken it. The people are nice, the work is interesting, and the pay is decent. Also, I had a snow day today, but I squandered it with laziness and anxiety. [/tangent] Anyway, comments and suggestions re: name change are welcome.
Next Week: Changing the phrase in the top banner. One step at a time, though.

In other, other news, if a certain internationally-acclaimed martial artist girlfriend of mine is reading this, please call me back as soon as you get home from Africa.

2005-01-04T19:00:00.000-05:00

Have you been in the box of mice again?

Another positive aspect of the December holiday season was when lightning struck twice, and these delicious goodies were sent to my boss by a vendor, and my mother received them as a gift from a student. I had one at work and one a few days later at my parents'.
I'd never had them before, but I have coveted them from afar. They are indeed delicious, and I suggest first biting the half-almond ears off, then popping the little fella in whole, or dangling him over your gaping maw, then biting down. The effect is completed by the satin tail hanging out the side of one's mouth. Priceless.

2005-01-02T21:32:00.000-05:00

AutoDave
Don't act all surprised - I think we all saw this coming like a build-your-own-Garfield-strip. The Automated Dave Barry Column Generator.
Here's what I generated:

Recently in Miami (motto: "I think the toilet's backed up."), residents reported an outbreak of dingleberries. Perhaps you think there are no dingleberries in Miami. Perhaps you are an idiot.

As the French say, au contraire (literally: "You goddamn douchebag!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Dave Barry, whose name can be rearranged to spell "DYARVREA B", although that is not my main point. "Dave Barry", by the way, only has the letters "aeay" in in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.

According to a quote which I am not making up, from Miami Mayor Edward Kensington (formally "Mayor Edward Kensington" and informally "Skippy"), dingleberries ranks as a major crisis just behind cereal, milk and oj (insert your "toast" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Miami government employees:

FIRST MIAMI EMPLOYEE: "I'd like to cut back to three days a week."
SECOND MIAMI EMPLOYEE: "Goddam motherfucker!"
FIRST MIAMI EMPLOYEE: "I think you cut me off on the road earlier"

Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Skippy, and that is: take all of George Steinbrenner's money and assets.

No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's money and assets, although it might involve watching the slow burning torture of Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "relaxing", and de grace, meaning "with friends and family". The procedure (you may want to write this down):

create less garbage
use a plunger

But instead the Miami city council (motto: "We'll help citizens when you pry the cold coffee out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the dingleberries) will hang from your ass hairs soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "Tailgate Me".

Speaking of which, "The Miami Dingleberries Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.